I know it's been a while since I posted on here, but I had to jump back in for this thread.
It is truly an honor to be a part of this corporate machine. The love this company has shown it's employees this week is very up-lifting. In these uncertain times, it is nice to know that a company truly cares about it's employees. But feel good emails and pats on your back from the supervisors/senior management only go so far. Actions truly do speak louder then words. And that is what this week is all about, ACTIONS.
Here is a chronological time line of the actions taken by our company this week to show their love:
MONDAY:
We are greeted in the morning with a delicious donut from Krispy Kreme. THIS, I will not bitch about. I fucking love Krispy Kreme. I would ass fuck a box of them, if it would not be interpreted as inappropriate by my co-workers.
Our first surprise of the week is an impromptu book fair in our cafe. This isn't any different then any other of the 37 book fairs our company has each year, but this one is a surprise! Come on down to the cafe and buy a book from us. Come on.... do it. ;D
The next surprise of the week comes in the form of sweet new football! OK, it's not really a football. It's a tiny foam football. Oh well, it will still be sweet to fuck around with. Plus it squishes like a stress reliever. But wait, what the fuck is that smell that emits from this thing? It's as if the foam football smells like the inside of Roseanne's ass. Seriously, what the fuck is that? I think the children, who manned the production lines in China, stuffed these fuckers in there ass, under their balls, rubbed them on dog shit, or whatever else they could find that would be offensive. Sort of their little fuck you to the corporate mechanism that is exploiting them. Seriously, I would rather smell my own nuts after playing basketball then to get a whiff of these things.
Here's a pic of said foulness (I included a post-it pad for size comparison)
The final surprise on Monday's lineup is a free can of pop. Not much to bitch about here, other then it was warm and I had to walk to the break room to get ice (and I am really, really lazy).
Shit-smelling football aside, this isn't too bad of an opening to Customer Service Appreciation Week.
Monday's Quote of the Day:
"If we don't take care of our customers, somebody else will"
Uh, no shit Sherlock. The fart I just expelled has enough intelligence to figure that one out.
TUESDAY:
Fucking awesome! Bingo Cards! Fuck yeah! I've been waiting all year for this (as cynical as I am I do feel I need to disclose that every time they send an email with the next three numbers I pick up my scorecard in earnest....I guess I'm one of Pavlov's dogs after all).
We also get to do a sweet teammate trivia quiz. Can you figure out which one of your co-workers has deep thoughts such as these:
"I relate myself to the color pink because there are times when I can be soft spoken/shy."
"I like to where flip flops in the summer."
"The things I like most about summer are the flowers, butterflies, and grass."
"The one thing I like about summer does not have to shovel the driveway."
Please, someone get me a gun.
Don't forget to come down to the cafe and get yourself some stale popcorn.
And, last but not least, here are some simple, yet effective, tips for stretching at your desk.
Tuesday's Quote of the Day:
"The Quality of Our Work is Determined by the Quality of our People"
Really? Then we are in big, big trouble. Because I work with fucking retards.
WEDNESDAY:
We start off with a free breakfast in the cafe. Nothing to complain about here. I'll take a free breakfast every day, and twice on Sunday. Company, we are cool once again brother.
Wednesday's Quote of the Day:
"Being on par in terms of price and quality only gets you into the game. Service wins the game."
Fair enough. My only question would be why, then, do you put the least educated, least compensated, borderline retarded employees on the front lines where service is delivered? If service is so crucial to "winning" the game, maybe you should allocate more of your budget towards filling these roles with competent individuals. Just one man's opinion.
THURSDAY:
Nothing special on this day. More bingo. No surprises.
Thursday's Quote of the Day:
"To my customer....I may not have the answer, but I'll find it. I may not have the time, but I'll make it."
Ummm....
FRIDAY:
Here we are folks, the day we all have been waiting for. The culmination of a week's worth of praise and gifts from the company, climaxing in one PERFECT gift to us, the employees, to show just truly how much each one of us means to this company.
Drum Roll please..........
FUCK YEAH!
Sweet, this is way better then a T-Shirt, coffee mug or Thermos. I've always wanted a 2 inch notepad made of crappy gray colored paper the consistency of tissue. But hold on a sec, what the fuck is this? A green eraser with a smiley face. I HAVE DIED AND WENT TO KINDERGARTEN HEAVEN!
Seriously.......what the fuck?
Dear Company,
Thanks for your awesome gift of a tiny note pad and green, smiley-face eraser. I can't wait to add them to my arsenal of professional tools. They will truly make my work life much smoother.
Can I make a suggestion for next year? Can we get those multi-colored pencils to go with the note pad? Maybe a sweet bear or troll to put on the eraser part. Something with a feather or tinsel would be AWESOME.
Also, I was a little disappointed that we didn't get a carton of milk, and there was no mention of nap time. But I feel way to appreciated to complain about something as trivial as that.
Thanks a million,
Your humble, loyal employee.
Kyle
Do people really buy in to this shit? Does it genuinely make people feel appreciated? I know 3rd graders that would be insulted by these gifts. LOL
Oh well, what are you going to do except laugh.
Stukatt obviously is enjoying them........ (see below)