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Post by BrainFerentz4Prez on Aug 24, 2015 17:58:25 GMT -6
So I apologize in advance this is gonna be long, but I am pretty sure I have the opportunity for the troll of a lifetime and I don't wanna screw this up. There are a lot of elements at play here including the fact I don't wanna be fucking divorced when this find ends... Here goes.
So I am invited to a wedding in my wife's side. It's my wife's cousin who we will call Brianna and some schmuck we will call Jacob. Brianna and Jacob are both worthless hipster design grads to be this spring, and have plans to open an "awesome" (their words) design business in Indy as soon as they can find someone to "give them" the start up capital. They actually put 25k cash kick starter thing on their custom designed website wedding registry, five for their honeymoon (a post grad backpack trip around Europe), 10k for a house down payment (it's only ten cause the grooms parents promised to match whatever down payment cash they could save up on their own, and don't think the irony is missed on that by the grooms parents) and 10k to get their awesome business off the ground. They also registered at some online wedding boutique but the cheapest thing they sell is $250 embroidered place settings.
Anywho the bride is a real piece of work. She ain't never had to work for shit in her life. Her parents gave her everything, but the funny thing is they are dead broke. Her dad is like 15 years older than her mom. They met while he mentored errrrrrr coached her in a high school traveling swim team. He actually made pretty decent Jack for a while but eventually buying your kids $100 tee shirts catches up to you even when you make low six figures. Anywho they have filed for bankruptcy three fucking times. The last time was when he bought a 500k house in the Chicago burbs on a 3 year interest only note and planned to sell it for an easy 750k when the balloon was due. Well he got fIred for being a drunk and couldn't even make the interest only note, and that bubble thing burst. Needless to say he made out as well as partner did going long in AIG. Her mom is a total fruit loop now. She used to be fuckin smoking but now she's 50, used up, and has no other prospects. She spends most of her day complaining to my mother in law that they ain't got any money and trying to figure out how to get rich quick using the you tube.
In addition the brides older sister, we will call her Mercedes, is a real piece of work. She lives in Chicago where she runs her own "Mixology" biz. I guess that's a full time thing? She's got all kinds of issues cause daddy didn't love anyone but the bottle and mommy always loved her little sister more, which by the way is actually true. Anywho she's been in therapy since high school and even has a couple of cries for help suicide attempts (ohhh help me I just took a Zanex and pounded three manhattens). She is totally pissed off at the bride for some damn reason that Im sure my wife has told me about but that I can't seem to recall. So Mercedes hasn't been to any of the bridal showers, has de friended the whole family on Facebook, and has steadfastly maintained she ain't going to the wedding. That is until last weekend when she told my wife that she was thinking of going because she thought the wedding might be a good time to introduce her girlfriend to the family while coming out as a rug muncher. This would be a good time to mention that the wedding will be held in the small town southern Indiana baptist church that the grooms uncle is the minister at.
So what I need is an idea to ensure fire works. The thing is the troll has to be subtle enough so my wife and their family doesn't get pissed. Any thoughts?
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Post by A boy named Sioux on Aug 24, 2015 18:08:36 GMT -6
You don't need to do a thing. That powder keg will self ignite without your help.
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Post by NOTTHOR on Aug 24, 2015 18:11:42 GMT -6
Agreed, this will 'splode on its own. A brag about coming into money somehow would probably kindle things, though. Maybe you had an equity grant you forgot about in a startup company and they just got bought and you suddenly came into $200k you had forgotten about and you are pissed about how high your taxes are on it.
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Post by A boy named Sioux on Aug 24, 2015 18:22:17 GMT -6
Just try not to get caught in the crossfire.
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Post by livingintheusa on Aug 24, 2015 18:59:30 GMT -6
Please provide pictures.
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Post by Stan's Field on Aug 24, 2015 21:21:36 GMT -6
Get the drunk dad really drunk and brave. Get him thinking about ways he can prove how much he loves his family.
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Post by FoxHuntChampion on Aug 24, 2015 21:43:55 GMT -6
Divorce really sounds like not a bad option here.
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Post by Presidential Immunity Cock on Aug 24, 2015 22:37:43 GMT -6
Fly into town, and make sure you rent the most obnoxious luxury car that you can find and can fit your babbies in. With the gift, make sure it's a cat. A big, fat, dirty, stinky, feral cat. The Lesbians will be all over that pussy and the bride and groom will be pissed later one when they remember you rolled up in a bentley (or some shit like that) but only left them a cheap ass gift that wasn't on their registry. (I'd recommend a crockpot from Costco, preferably a white sox themed one since they are the team the dirty poors/Criminals love in Chicago)
Le Wyfe may not recognize your troll play, especially if you can make her believe that every other rental is gone that would fit le family in it. If you don't need to bring the babbies, make sure it's a lambo/Ferrari or some supercar like that. If she really likes it and it gets her panties wet she may buy you one for yourself when you get back to Wisconsin. Just make sure you fly there. Or make sure you have to send in teh minivan for repairs and need a rental. Otherwise they'll see your minivan and understand that you are just a dirty poor, which is why you got them the white sox crockpot, because you are poor. and dirty. Also, piss in the punch bowl. And wear a rainbow tie.
Also, offer the priest uncle a handy.
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Post by BrainFerentz4Prez on Aug 24, 2015 23:36:37 GMT -6
Agreed, this will 'splode on its own. A brag about coming into money somehow would probably kindle things, though. Maybe you had an equity grant you forgot about in a startup company and they just got bought and you suddenly came into $200k you had forgotten about and you are pissed about how high your taxes are on it. This has potential, especially considering our gift to them was a 25 dollar gift card to target.
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Post by Earl Slick on Aug 25, 2015 3:39:59 GMT -6
Bring a bottle of Everclear to the wedding reception, entice the principle players to drink it, step back and enjoy.
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Post by FoxHuntChampion on Aug 25, 2015 5:27:38 GMT -6
Bring a bottle of Everclear to the wedding reception, entice the principle players to drink it, step back and enjoy. Dum
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Post by GhostMod 5000 on Aug 25, 2015 5:28:29 GMT -6
Agreed, this will 'splode on its own. A brag about coming into money somehow would probably kindle things, though. Maybe you had an equity grant you forgot about in a startup company and they just got bought and you suddenly came into $200k you had forgotten about and you are pissed about how high your taxes are on it. Chances are, seeing as how everyone in this fam is dramatically in everyone's bidness, they are fully aware that Duff is a minivan driving, unemployed basketball ref, and wouldn't believe he had secret money even if he had a diamond cock ring. I think the best possible troll here would be to give me the link to their kickstarter page, and to the Bride's mother's youtube page.
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Post by FoxHuntChampion on Aug 25, 2015 5:31:51 GMT -6
Agreed, this will 'splode on its own. A brag about coming into money somehow would probably kindle things, though. Maybe you had an equity grant you forgot about in a startup company and they just got bought and you suddenly came into $200k you had forgotten about and you are pissed about how high your taxes are on it. Chances are, seeing as how everyone in this fam is dramatically in everyone's bidness, they are fully aware that Duff is a minivan driving, unemployed basketball ref, and wouldn't believe he had secret money even if he had a diamond cock ring. I think the best possible troll here would be to give me the link to their kickstarter page, and to the Bride's mother's youtube page. Like anyone would ever believe you had: money or could troll.
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Post by GhostMod 5000 on Aug 25, 2015 6:17:33 GMT -6
Chances are, seeing as how everyone in this fam is dramatically in everyone's bidness, they are fully aware that Duff is a minivan driving, unemployed basketball ref, and wouldn't believe he had secret money even if he had a diamond cock ring. I think the best possible troll here would be to give me the link to their kickstarter page, and to the Bride's mother's youtube page. Like anyone would ever believe you had: money or could troll. I don't think anyone is looking for trolling advice from "Rosebulls" the clown fan.
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Post by Stan's Field on Aug 25, 2015 7:44:39 GMT -6
Listen to Ellen, he played that stupid mafia game Shit with clown fans for years...uhh what I meant was he was "undercover" playing those fucking retarded clown games...
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Post by Stan's Field on Aug 25, 2015 7:49:56 GMT -6
Bring a bottle of Everclear to the wedding reception, entice the principle players to drink it, step back and enjoy. Close, but you really only need to get the drunken dad Shit faced. Then tell him how ppl are questioning his lesbian daughter's honor by suggesting the dike's girlfriend is more manly than the bride to be's fairy husband. Obvious goal is to have the dad and minister uncle fight each other.
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Post by FoxHuntChampion on Aug 25, 2015 8:14:27 GMT -6
Listen to Ellen, he played that stupid mafia game Shit with clown fans for years...uhh what I meant was he was "undercover" playing those fucking retarded clown games... Worked.
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Post by FoxHuntChampion on Aug 25, 2015 8:14:44 GMT -6
Bring a bottle of Everclear to the wedding reception, entice the principle players to drink it, step back and enjoy. Close, but you really only need to get the drunken dad Shit faced. Then tell him how ppl are questioning his lesbian daughter's honor by suggesting the dike's girlfriend is more manly than the bride to be's fairy husband. Obvious goal is to have the dad and minister uncle fight each other. Listen to the guy who lives in Iowa! Hahahhaha
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Post by GhostMod 5000 on Aug 25, 2015 8:38:37 GMT -6
WHile I appreciate your desire to troll this wedding Duff, it sounds liek Mercedes is planning to troll the wedding too, and she knows where all of the lines that matter are, and exactly how to cross them. Anything you attempt is going to be clown shoes by comparison.
So, in that frame of mind, while I liek the Target giftcard idea, I might also add a tacky kitchen utensil that princess would nevar use, such as a salad shooter or slap chop, and then a CD (yes a physical CD) of some band that hipsters hate, such as Nickelback or Britney Spears. In the card write "I am inspired by your creativity, so I want to share the music of some other creative minds that have inspired me".
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Post by NOTTHOR on Aug 25, 2015 9:27:45 GMT -6
WHile I appreciate your desire to troll this wedding Duff, it sounds liek Mercedes is planning to troll the wedding too, and she knows where all of the lines that matter are, and exactly how to cross them. Anything you attempt is going to be clown shoes by comparison. So, in that frame of mind, while I liek the Target giftcard idea, I might also add a tacky kitchen utensil that princess would nevar use, such as a salad shooter or slap chop, and then a CD (yes a physical CD) of some band that hipsters hate, such as Nickelback or Britney Spears. In the card write "I am inspired by your creativity, so I want to share the music of some other creative minds that have inspired me". I love the idea of a CD, but it brings up the ancient conundrum of "If a troll leaves a mark that is not seen, does the troll really leave a mark?" I mean, look, we've all left some barn burners but if we forget about the thread or whatever and can't see the results, does it count? No, no it doesn't. They'll open those presents somewhere in private the day after the wedding and no one will see the angry reaction, so it just don't count.
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Post by GhostMod 5000 on Aug 25, 2015 10:04:18 GMT -6
WHile I appreciate your desire to troll this wedding Duff, it sounds liek Mercedes is planning to troll the wedding too, and she knows where all of the lines that matter are, and exactly how to cross them. Anything you attempt is going to be clown shoes by comparison. So, in that frame of mind, while I liek the Target giftcard idea, I might also add a tacky kitchen utensil that princess would nevar use, such as a salad shooter or slap chop, and then a CD (yes a physical CD) of some band that hipsters hate, such as Nickelback or Britney Spears. In the card write "I am inspired by your creativity, so I want to share the music of some other creative minds that have inspired me". I love the idea of a CD, but it brings up the ancient conundrum of "If a troll leaves a mark that is not seen, does the troll really leave a mark?" I mean, look, we've all left some barn burners but if we forget about the thread or whatever and can't see the results, does it count? No, no it doesn't. They'll open those presents somewhere in private the day after the wedding and no one will see the angry reaction, so it just don't count. Solid point. You can't slap them with a "U Mad?", if you ain't there to see them all mad... I'm thinking somehow Duff could weaponize his kids for this event. Obviously this family is jammed full of attention whores, and groom, bride, sister of bride, and mother of bride are going to be desperately trying to seize the spotlight in this wedding. However, Duff has a toddler, and a toddler is an attention magnet. Duff, is there some way you can convince your whiff to breastfeed right in the middle of the couple sharing their vows?
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Post by BrainFerentz4Prez on Aug 25, 2015 11:13:45 GMT -6
Well, my son who just turned two and is about as controllable as a 14 year olds dick in a strip joint has been asked to be the ring bearer despite our warnings that he is more likely to set the church on fire than he is to deliver the rings safely.
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Post by Ginger on Aug 25, 2015 12:10:53 GMT -6
Well, my son who just turned two and is about as controllable as a 14 year olds dick in a strip joint has been asked to be the ring bearer despite our warnings that he is more likely to set the church on fire than he is to deliver the rings safely. I think you win then.
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Post by A boy named Sioux on Aug 25, 2015 12:23:33 GMT -6
Burn the mother down.
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Post by GhostMod 5000 on Aug 25, 2015 14:25:52 GMT -6
Well, my son who just turned two and is about as controllable as a 14 year olds dick in a strip joint has been asked to be the ring bearer despite our warnings that he is more likely to set the church on fire than he is to deliver the rings safely. Two things: One, anyone who has a ring bearer/flower girl who can't read yet is a fucking idiot. If they can read, they have the discipline and focus to do the jerb. If not, they'll fucking go apeshit or get scared and fuck up. Two, give your boy a bunch of koolaid and skittles before the wedding. Enough so that he has the white trash red face stains, so that he won't only spaz out in the ceremony, but he'll also fuck up some pitchures. God, I am a brilliant fucking troll...
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