That nip of August is in the air. Brutal heat and humidity, kids going to school for 3 hours a day, and police reports of drunk and disorderly conduct at the state fair. These things only mean one thing. Football season is in the air. However, around here, it means the beer is a little colder, the whiskey bites a little harder, and the vodak is no longer name brand since you're drinking in bulk. All winter long, you practiced drunk driving; you mastered pissing in a bottle, and you figured out which chicken marinade keeps you from booting. Now it's game week motherfucker. It's real life. Let's do the work before we hit the bottle.
This is the first season in memory where the main excitement lies in the fact that we don’t play anyone good. We’re not excited for a great returning player, or a new dynamic in the program. Nope. What we’re looking forward to is how inept the majority of our competition is, and how hopefully we don’t share their significant mediocrity. It’s like going to a bar and hoping all of the chicks are 5’s so all of the good looking guys go elsewhere, and you can pull as much slightly-chubby with an overbite tail you want.
Isn’t it a testament to the depths to which the BoneG has sunk when Minnesota and Maryland are considered pivotal games on the schedule? Minnesota hasn’t been decent since the Truman administration, and trying to fix that has messed up the wiring in poor Jerry Kill’s skull. And Maryland? Did anyone even know Maryland had a football team? Since when? All I know is their helmets looks like something a British aristocrat would wear to a gay Halloween party, and, thanks to them, everyone in Washington DC now watches BTN.
However bleak the schedule may look, it’s still football season! The Hawks surprised a bunch of people last year by not sucking as hard as everyone thought. Gerg Davis turned out to be a genius when he had a QB smart enough to run his system with giant helmet Joke Ruddock at the helm. James Morris lead a surprising defense to a solid season before, presumably, being blacklisted from the NFL a’la DJK. And despite losing the Outback Bowl to a LSU team that decided to make it interesting and play 1940’s style football, Iowa returns playmakers on both sides of the ball, and looks poised to quickly be on the AP 25 polls “Also receiving votes” list.
We here at the hangover have been scouting the football team all spring and summer long to bring you the very best in analysis and information on your favorite team. In these following breakdowns, it is safe to assume this is high quality work by dedicated professionals, and not the ramblings of a guy surfing ESPN.com for 15 minutes on his fourth beer. Enjoy!
OFFENSE!
This year, the offense is poised to take major strides in excitement as we finally have the players Gerg Davis needs to run his system. Replacing Joke Ruddock, Mark Weitman, and Kevante Martin-Girly this year will be…oh….right. Ok, so we start most of the same skill guys we started last year, but this year, we’ve got something we didn’t have last year; A bunch of receivers who may or may not be good. Looking at the roster, we have approximately 17 red short freshman WRs, and according to interviews with coaches, all of them have been huge surprises and look to make an immediate impact. We also have like a dozen good tight ends, and that’s where the NFL talent is. If Kurt’s smart, he’ll sit those kids, and place 4 wide TE sets, to showcase these guys for NFL scouts. Hello 5th round draft pick!
At running back, the usual process will play itself out. Joke will have trouble throwing deep, Weitman will run 30 times a game until he gets hurt, Canzeri will pout about it, and Kurt will let Bullock run around for 3 YPC. You know the script, but try to act surprised.
What can I say about the offensive line? Well, they’re huge white guys, one of them is really good. They excel at Zone chop down 63 technique Tecmo squats. Sorry for the techno babble, but line play is really complex. I won’t embarrass you by going deeper into it.
And finally, what about CJ Beat Hard. Fan favorite because of his hair, he continues to hold a clip board despite the fact he’s fast and has a better arm than Joke. That he can barely complete I pass is immaterial. He can throw far and has pretty hair. With any other coach, he’d be starting, but you know Kurt…
DEFENSE!
The defense faces a tough problem this year with a significant piece out of the picture. No, I'm not talking about Christian Kirksey, who is making plays like a pre-season all-star. Nor is it the loss of James Morris, who, contrary to reality, seemingly everyone thought was better than Kirksey because he was white. No, the big loss here is the greatest practice hero in the Frents era. The Next Bob Sanders, Nico Law. Law had been punished for years by Kurt for keeping it too real, and wallowed on the bench behind John Lowdermilk, whose name sounds like it should be a joke that I don't understand. Instead of unleashing his aggression on opposing receivers, The Law was forced unleash on the face of some chump in downtown IC at 1:30AM. Kurt, finally having an excuse to get rid of his best player, relished the opportunity to boot The Law. Now we have a huge hole in the middle of the secondary, and I don't think we can plug it, or at the very least intercept it and then fumble it unforced at the goal line...
But I guess the rest of the news on defense isn't all bad. At linebacker, we'll be starting a...WTF really, a freshman walk-on? Damn it. OK, maybe it's best I don't even go here.
On the line is where we'll really shine. Carl Davis has transformed from Fat Cat disappointing recruit to Fat Ass occupying blockers and reeking havoc all over the field. Hopefully he'll be motivated by his own off-season hype to dominate and get that high draft pick. Or, he could just go Clowney, and relax all season in anticipation of a paycheck. At the other tackle, we have Louis Trinca-Passat, who is a football player, and not as I thought, a Soviet era East German sedan. Here's a fun fact I learned, Trinca-Passat has started every game at DT the past two years. That blew me away. I can't remember him doing one thing during that time. I can't tell if that's a good thing or a bad thing. For all I know, he could be the classic 'occupy the blockers' guy who does the grunt work while everyone else gets the glory. Or, he could just be some guy who doesn't do anything.
Now, the fan favorite Ballers and Bawlers for the 2014 season.
Baller: Nate Meier. Starting at DE, the most Iowan player of all time needs some good mojo. He is a former 8 man player of the year at running back from some town called Tabor, and his mother's name is Pixie. That's mad baller
Bawler: Back up punter Dillon Kidd, who passed up a scholarship offer to walk on at Iowa and lose the battle for starting punter. Also, his step mom is a total slam piece, which is really funny.
Well, that should just about cover it. This is game week. It's what we spend all winter drinking for. Make it count.