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Post by NOTTHOR on May 5, 2020 17:44:00 GMT -6
Well, I didn't think I would need to revisit this topic, but here we are.
I'm still going to the office because I can't work at home with the boy there. He won't leave me alone for more than 5 minutes. I had a 4 fucking hour Zoom meeting discussing a 79 page document with some asswipe firm in NYC. Big deal for our shop. Huge. So anyway, I haven't fucking shaven in like 6 weeks and I have this rancid absolute trailer park reddish mustache and a fully white goatee and a patch on the side where no hair will grow. I look a bit disheveled, but I ain't shaving until we are #BackInBusiness. The "you can come to work if you want but you can also work from home" has caused a relaxation in the dress code, as in, it doesn't fucking exist. It's about 85 degrees outside so I went ahead and wore my camo cargo shorts into the office, but knowing I had a Zoom meeting, I went ahead and paired them with a classic Brooks Brothers light brown polo with the little sheep offset in a greenhish and white hue, which really gives it an air of aristocracy. Aside from the bush of hair growing above my ears, I looked pretty good for the Zoom meeting.
Anyway, the meeting started at 2. I saw Starbucks was finally open again so when I ran out to get dinner (you cityfolk call it lunch) I stopped and got a nitro cold brew. Haven't had one of those in awhile. We get rolling in the Zoom meeting (and let me just say as a guy who likes to dip on conference calls and when I'm turning documents, I really really really hate those fucking Zoom meetings because I have to duck and hide my spittoon). Everything is going great, but then at about 3:20, just completely out of the blue, I felt a fart, but it clearly wasn't going to be just gaseous. I gave the old college try to push it back up using sheer willpower. I slink down in the chair so my ass is barely on the edge trying to muster every ounce of energy to coax it back up. No luck. I had to fucking stand up. So I stand up and had to cross my right leg over my left and just focus like all hell to push that sumnabitch back up. Some pompous asswipe goes "Is the person in the camouflage shorts okay?" and when I looked at my screen it was clear he was asking about me because my screen just showed camo shorts and my untucked shirt. So I turned my monitor up so it was on my face and was like "Yeah, hey, I'm good, I just had a sudden cramp in my leg and needed to stand up to stretch it." This prick goes "Oh, it looked like you were in distress and I wanted to make sure you were okay."
Fucking prick. So after like 5 minutes or so of fighting that sumnabitch back up and listening to this guy pontificate pointlessly about some release language in a contract, I finally had it to the point where I knew I could sit back down. I had to because we were on like page 15 of a 79 page beast. I sit down, in total fear that I have just smashed a turtlehead all over my underwear.
Finally, the call winds down. I stand up and thank god I am in a conference room by myself. Ass is wet and underwear are bunched up. I make a beeline for the shitter. Get in there and inspect. Turns out the underwear had just bunched up on my pinch move and the underwear were spotless, just had a little bit of ass sweat from me focusing so much sphincter power into turning that sumnabitch back. The shit that felt like it was a monster as big as that python Jake the Snake used to carry around in WWF was just a little clear out. Probably only 3 or 4 ounces total, just something brought on by the coffee because I haven't had any in like 6 weeks. Life is just a series of small victories and defeats and today was a victory. I hope you found a victory today as well.
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Post by Logan Roy’s Bastard Son on May 5, 2020 21:37:12 GMT -6
Well, I didn't think I would need to revisit this topic, but here we are. I'm still going to the office because I can't work at home with the boy there. He won't leave me alone for more than 5 minutes. I had a 4 fucking hour Zoom meeting discussing a 79 page document with some asswipe firm in NYC. Big deal for our shop. Huge. So anyway, I haven't fucking shaven in like 6 weeks and I have this rancid absolute trailer park reddish mustache and a fully white goatee and a patch on the side where no hair will grow. I look a bit disheveled, but I ain't shaving until we are #BackInBusiness. The "you can come to work if you want but you can also work from home" has caused a relaxation in the dress code, as in, it doesn't fucking exist. It's about 85 degrees outside so I went ahead and wore my camo cargo shorts into the office, but knowing I had a Zoom meeting, I went ahead and paired them with a classic Brooks Brothers light brown polo with the little sheep offset in a greenhish and white hue, which really gives it an air of aristocracy. Aside from the bush of hair growing above my ears, I looked pretty good for the Zoom meeting. Anyway, the meeting started at 2. I saw Starbucks was finally open again so when I ran out to get dinner (you cityfolk call it lunch) I stopped and got a nitro cold brew. Haven't had one of those in awhile. We get rolling in the Zoom meeting (and let me just say as a guy who likes to dip on conference calls and when I'm turning documents, I really really really hate those fucking Zoom meetings because I have to duck and hide my spittoon). Everything is going great, but then at about 3:20, just completely out of the blue, I felt a fart, but it clearly wasn't going to be just gaseous. I gave the old college try to push it back up using sheer willpower. I slink down in the chair so my ass is barely on the edge trying to muster every ounce of energy to coax it back up. No luck. I had to fucking stand up. So I stand up and had to cross my right leg over my left and just focus like all hell to push that sumnabitch back up. Some pompous asswipe goes "Is the person in the camouflage shorts okay?" and when I looked at my screen it was clear he was asking about me because my screen just showed camo shorts and my untucked shirt. So I turned my monitor up so it was on my face and was like "Yeah, hey, I'm good, I just had a sudden cramp in my leg and needed to stand up to stretch it." This prick goes "Oh, it looked like you were in distress and I wanted to make sure you were okay." Fucking prick. So after like 5 minutes or so of fighting that sumnabitch back up and listening to this guy pontificate pointlessly about some release language in a contract, I finally had it to the point where I knew I could sit back down. I had to because we were on like page 15 of a 79 page beast. I sit down, in total fear that I have just smashed a turtlehead all over my underwear. Finally, the call winds down. I stand up and thank god I am in a conference room by myself. Ass is wet and underwear are bunched up. I make a beeline for the shitter. Get in there and inspect. Turns out the underwear had just bunched up on my pinch move and the underwear were spotless, just had a little bit of ass sweat from me focusing so much sphincter power into turning that sumnabitch back. The shit that felt like it was a monster as big as that python Jake the Snake used to carry around in WWF was just a little clear out. Probably only 3 or 4 ounces total, just something brought on by the coffee because I haven't had any in like 6 weeks. Life is just a series of small victories and defeats and today was a victory. I hope you found a victory today as well. Cool story, brah. |
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Post by GhostMod 5000 on May 6, 2020 8:29:45 GMT -6
That dude who called you out is officially your dad now.
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Post by A boy named Sioux on May 6, 2020 8:30:01 GMT -6
Move to shart week thread?
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Post by egadsto on May 6, 2020 8:40:12 GMT -6
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Post by Earl Slick on May 6, 2020 10:16:00 GMT -6
Well, I didn't think I would need to revisit this topic, but here we are. I'm still going to the office because I can't work at home with the boy there. He won't leave me alone for more than 5 minutes. I had a 4 fucking hour Zoom meeting discussing a 79 page document with some asswipe firm in NYC. Big deal for our shop. Huge. So anyway, I haven't fucking shaven in like 6 weeks and I have this rancid absolute trailer park reddish mustache and a fully white goatee and a patch on the side where no hair will grow. I look a bit disheveled, but I ain't shaving until we are #BackInBusiness. The "you can come to work if you want but you can also work from home" has caused a relaxation in the dress code, as in, it doesn't fucking exist. It's about 85 degrees outside so I went ahead and wore my camo cargo shorts into the office, but knowing I had a Zoom meeting, I went ahead and paired them with a classic Brooks Brothers light brown polo with the little sheep offset in a greenhish and white hue, which really gives it an air of aristocracy. Aside from the bush of hair growing above my ears, I looked pretty good for the Zoom meeting. Anyway, the meeting started at 2. I saw Starbucks was finally open again so when I ran out to get dinner (you cityfolk call it lunch) I stopped and got a nitro cold brew. Haven't had one of those in awhile. We get rolling in the Zoom meeting (and let me just say as a guy who likes to dip on conference calls and when I'm turning documents, I really really really hate those fucking Zoom meetings because I have to duck and hide my spittoon). Everything is going great, but then at about 3:20, just completely out of the blue, I felt a fart, but it clearly wasn't going to be just gaseous. I gave the old college try to push it back up using sheer willpower. I slink down in the chair so my ass is barely on the edge trying to muster every ounce of energy to coax it back up. No luck. I had to fucking stand up. So I stand up and had to cross my right leg over my left and just focus like all hell to push that sumnabitch back up. Some pompous asswipe goes "Is the person in the camouflage shorts okay?" and when I looked at my screen it was clear he was asking about me because my screen just showed camo shorts and my untucked shirt. So I turned my monitor up so it was on my face and was like "Yeah, hey, I'm good, I just had a sudden cramp in my leg and needed to stand up to stretch it." This prick goes "Oh, it looked like you were in distress and I wanted to make sure you were okay." Fucking prick. So after like 5 minutes or so of fighting that sumnabitch back up and listening to this guy pontificate pointlessly about some release language in a contract, I finally had it to the point where I knew I could sit back down. I had to because we were on like page 15 of a 79 page beast. I sit down, in total fear that I have just smashed a turtlehead all over my underwear. Finally, the call winds down. I stand up and thank god I am in a conference room by myself. Ass is wet and underwear are bunched up. I make a beeline for the shitter. Get in there and inspect. Turns out the underwear had just bunched up on my pinch move and the underwear were spotless, just had a little bit of ass sweat from me focusing so much sphincter power into turning that sumnabitch back. The shit that felt like it was a monster as big as that python Jake the Snake used to carry around in WWF was just a little clear out. Probably only 3 or 4 ounces total, just something brought on by the coffee because I haven't had any in like 6 weeks. Life is just a series of small victories and defeats and today was a victory. I hope you found a victory today as well. In ten years you won’t possess the sphincter control to pull that maneuver off. |
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Post by twinlaker on May 6, 2020 10:55:28 GMT -6
Well, I didn't think I would need to revisit this topic, but here we are. I'm still going to the office because I can't work at home with the boy there. He won't leave me alone for more than 5 minutes. I had a 4 fucking hour Zoom meeting discussing a 79 page document with some asswipe firm in NYC. Big deal for our shop. Huge. So anyway, I haven't fucking shaven in like 6 weeks and I have this rancid absolute trailer park reddish mustache and a fully white goatee and a patch on the side where no hair will grow. I look a bit disheveled, but I ain't shaving until we are #BackInBusiness. The "you can come to work if you want but you can also work from home" has caused a relaxation in the dress code, as in, it doesn't fucking exist. It's about 85 degrees outside so I went ahead and wore my camo cargo shorts into the office, but knowing I had a Zoom meeting, I went ahead and paired them with a classic Brooks Brothers light brown polo with the little sheep offset in a greenhish and white hue, which really gives it an air of aristocracy. Aside from the bush of hair growing above my ears, I looked pretty good for the Zoom meeting. Anyway, the meeting started at 2. I saw Starbucks was finally open again so when I ran out to get dinner (you cityfolk call it lunch) I stopped and got a nitro cold brew. Haven't had one of those in awhile. We get rolling in the Zoom meeting (and let me just say as a guy who likes to dip on conference calls and when I'm turning documents, I really really really hate those fucking Zoom meetings because I have to duck and hide my spittoon). Everything is going great, but then at about 3:20, just completely out of the blue, I felt a fart, but it clearly wasn't going to be just gaseous. I gave the old college try to push it back up using sheer willpower. I slink down in the chair so my ass is barely on the edge trying to muster every ounce of energy to coax it back up. No luck. I had to fucking stand up. So I stand up and had to cross my right leg over my left and just focus like all hell to push that sumnabitch back up. Some pompous asswipe goes "Is the person in the camouflage shorts okay?" and when I looked at my screen it was clear he was asking about me because my screen just showed camo shorts and my untucked shirt. So I turned my monitor up so it was on my face and was like "Yeah, hey, I'm good, I just had a sudden cramp in my leg and needed to stand up to stretch it." This prick goes "Oh, it looked like you were in distress and I wanted to make sure you were okay." Fucking prick. So after like 5 minutes or so of fighting that sumnabitch back up and listening to this guy pontificate pointlessly about some release language in a contract, I finally had it to the point where I knew I could sit back down. I had to because we were on like page 15 of a 79 page beast. I sit down, in total fear that I have just smashed a turtlehead all over my underwear. Finally, the call winds down. I stand up and thank god I am in a conference room by myself. Ass is wet and underwear are bunched up. I make a beeline for the shitter. Get in there and inspect. Turns out the underwear had just bunched up on my pinch move and the underwear were spotless, just had a little bit of ass sweat from me focusing so much sphincter power into turning that sumnabitch back. The shit that felt like it was a monster as big as that python Jake the Snake used to carry around in WWF was just a little clear out. Probably only 3 or 4 ounces total, just something brought on by the coffee because I haven't had any in like 6 weeks. Life is just a series of small victories and defeats and today was a victory. I hope you found a victory today as well. In ten years you won’t possess the sphincter control to pull that maneuver off. Yep.... glory days. sigh |
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Post by socal on Jul 12, 2021 23:50:07 GMT -6
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Post by BrainFerentz4Prez on Jul 13, 2021 6:01:56 GMT -6
Thanks for not putting this in the funny thread. |
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