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Post by NOTTHOR on Jun 18, 2008 21:58:08 GMT -6
After nearly 3 days of serious consideration, I have decided that I am going to start a megachurch and be the next Joel Osteen.
Now I know you're all sitting there thinking to yourselves, "How the hell is a damn sinner like BTR gonna be the next Joel Osteen when he doesn't have any formal theological or seminary training?"
To wit, I say, Joel Osteen has no formal theological or seminary training either. As my formal training, I will watch Joel Osteen for up to 1 hour per month, for 6 straight months. And I will check his books out from the liberry and possibly even read them.
You sinners with your McDriveThru Christianity don't know what it's all about. Once I get my megachurch established, you guys better all join, and tithe, or else... Who's in?
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Post by Iowafan1 on Jun 18, 2008 22:38:06 GMT -6
You have given me no criteria in which to make an informed decision. Will heavy chicks be welcomed?
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Post by Hawkeyes1982 on Jun 19, 2008 6:28:45 GMT -6
So is this a cult? Just wondering...I don't want to drink the magic kool-aid later on.
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Post by Gumbyhawk on Jun 19, 2008 6:55:52 GMT -6
Oh, great BTR, I beg of you...
Please bestow upon me the title of "Cardinal" of your great Church. I can think of no higher honor... though I am but a sinner and don't deserve it.
In BTR's name, I pray. Amen.
Gumby
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Post by NOTTHOR on Jun 19, 2008 7:43:07 GMT -6
1) No "No Fat Chicks" signs will be tolerated. Chicks of all sizes will be welcome.
2) Re the cult - not yet, but I make no promises about the future.
3) Gumby - you can be a cardinal, but you'll have to buy some stock in the church first, errr, contribute some goodwill to the church. Once this thing gets big enough, I plan to diversify the BTR Christian missionaries into things like schools, law schools, charter airlines, and limo companies. There will be jobs for all.
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Post by socal on Jun 19, 2008 7:46:45 GMT -6
1) No "No Fat Chicks" signs will be tolerated. Chicks of all sizes will be welcome. 2) Re the cult - not yet, but I make no promises about the future. 3) Gumby - you can be a cardinal, but you'll have to buy some stock in the church first, errr, contribute some goodwill to the church. Once this thing gets big enough, I plan to diversify the BTR Christian missionaries into things like schools, law schools, charter airlines, and limo companies. There will be jobs for all. Wow, you're serious. Because this is beginning to sound like actual foundations for an actual church. |
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Post by Gumbyhawk on Jun 19, 2008 7:47:47 GMT -6
Let it be so, BTR!!
And I take it that we will make full use of the fact that we are not a taxed entity?? A cardinal could use a new ride and digs in order to do your Good Work...
;D
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Post by NOTTHOR on Jun 19, 2008 7:53:49 GMT -6
Let it be so, BTR!! And I take it that we will make full use of the fact that we are not a taxed entity?? A cardinal could use a new ride and digs in order to do your Good Work... ;D Spartacusmaximus will complete the Form 1023 and bill it to our pro bono program so that it shall forever be memorialized that we are a tax free entity. The limo service and charter air service will be owned by the church, but may be used by those who have attained the rank of Cardinal and above in the church, and those seeking to fly to Iowa City or road trip games with me. The church will also need a motorhome to park at tailgaters to invite the flocks of people in to hear me preach whilst I am drinking in preparation for the game. Now all I need is a 20,000 seat arena for 3 services on Sunday, 1 on Wednesday night and a flock of 60,000 people to give me, err, the Lord, 10% of their income. Socal - get on that, see what you can do. Also, we need to come up with a good place for this megachurch. I think Chicago could use one, what do you guys think about Chicago? |
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Post by Dr. Doofenshmirtz (Heywood) on Jun 19, 2008 7:55:25 GMT -6
So, what are the different ranks? It seems that they will be modeled after the Catholics?
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Post by NOTTHOR on Jun 19, 2008 7:59:46 GMT -6
So, what are the different ranks? It seems that they will be modeled after the Catholics? The ranks will be: 1) Messiah/Founder (me) 2) White Sock 3) Cardinal 4) Cub I'll have to do some more thinking about the Org Structure. |
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Post by 101 on Jun 19, 2008 8:16:13 GMT -6
BTR....your range of skills and talents never ceases to amaze me. You're awesome!
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Post by Gumbyhawk on Jun 19, 2008 8:25:43 GMT -6
So, what are the different ranks? It seems that they will be modeled after the Catholics? The ranks will be: 1) Messiah/Founder (me) 2) White Sock 3) Cardinal 4) Cub I'll have to do some more thinking about the Org Structure. Wow!!!! I'm third in line! I'll need to temper my excitement so that I don't sin! It will be tough though... I'm pretty stoked!  |
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Post by Hawkeyes1982 on Jun 19, 2008 8:33:17 GMT -6
Cub #4, gay.
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Post by Dr. Doofenshmirtz (Heywood) on Jun 19, 2008 8:34:08 GMT -6
The ranks will be: 1) Messiah/Founder (me) 2) White Sock 3) Cardinal 4) Cub I'll have to do some more thinking about the Org Structure. Wow!!!! I'm third in line! I'll need to temper my excitement so that I don't sin! It will be tough though... I'm pretty stoked! Who cares if you sin, just repent! |
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Post by cmonhox on Jun 19, 2008 8:41:53 GMT -6
Not interested until you start your own private schooling system as on offset of the church. That's when you're truly big time.
As for places in Chicago, not sure if it's 20k seating, but you could always buy the Rosemont Horizon.
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Post by NOTTHOR on Jun 19, 2008 8:52:27 GMT -6
Wow!!!! I'm third in line! I'll need to temper my excitement so that I don't sin! It will be tough though... I'm pretty stoked! Who cares if you sin, just repent! Can I use that line as the Church's motto? The problem with your McDriveThru Christianity is that it doesn't fit with modern times. The Ned Flanders' of the world are disappearing (or at least only coming on certain Tuesdays in November once every few years). We need a modern Church, with modern rules, the rules of the Bible interpreted by me. We need hard hitting rules, like this: Rule Number 1: Thou shalt not call a waggle play forcing your QB to roll to his weak side. Don't forget, the QB is a lefty, you might have to flip the playbook from the one you used with Drew Tate. |
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Post by mattahawk on Jun 19, 2008 8:56:13 GMT -6
1) Can we have strippers, errr, a praise team at the front of the church?
2) Are we allowed to embezzle any funds?
3) If any hot, (female) sinners wish to repent can they do so in private with me supervising said repenting?
If all above apply then I am in.
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Post by Dr. Doofenshmirtz (Heywood) on Jun 19, 2008 8:58:27 GMT -6
Who cares if you sin, just repent! Can I use that line as the Church's motto? As long as I get proper recognition. |
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Post by Gumbyhawk on Jun 19, 2008 9:03:09 GMT -6
Who cares if you sin, just repent! Can I use that line as the Church's motto? The problem with your McDriveThru Christianity is that it doesn't fit with modern times. The Ned Flanders' of the world are disappearing (or at least only coming on certain Tuesdays in November once every few years). We need a modern Church, with modern rules, the rules of the Bible interpreted by me. We need hard hitting rules, like this: Rule Number 1: Thou shalt not call a waggle play forcing your QB to roll to his weak side. Don't forget, the QB is a lefty, you might have to flip the playbook from the one you used with Drew Tate. As Cardinal, I propose the repayment for such a horrible sin be the tithing of 99% of the sinner''s salary to the Church. |
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Post by Chuck Storm on Jun 19, 2008 9:16:42 GMT -6
1) Can we have strippers, errr, a praise team at the front of the church? 2) Are we allowed to embezzle any funds? 3) If any hot, (female) sinners wish to repent can they do so in private with me supervising said repenting? If all above apply then I am in. Embezzlement of funds is strictly prohibited. Now, the proceeds of the church need to go to the (generous) salaries of the church's leaders, the church's private jet, the church's fleet of expensive automobiles (which the church's leaders will generously keep at their primary residences) and other church related expenses. |
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Post by Dr. Doofenshmirtz (Heywood) on Jun 20, 2008 13:08:20 GMT -6
Who cares if you sin, just repent! Can I use that line as the Church's motto? The problem with your McDriveThru Christianity is that it doesn't fit with modern times. The Ned Flanders' of the world are disappearing (or at least only coming on certain Tuesdays in November once every few years). We need a modern Church, with modern rules, the rules of the Bible interpreted by me. We need hard hitting rules, like this: Rule Number 1: Thou shalt not call a waggle play forcing your QB to roll to his weak side. Don't forget, the QB is a lefty, you might have to flip the playbook from the one you used with Drew Tate. I would like to propose Rule Number 2: The play must be signaled in prior to the play clock hitting :15. |
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Post by Gumbyhawk on Jun 20, 2008 13:33:45 GMT -6
Can I use that line as the Church's motto? The problem with your McDriveThru Christianity is that it doesn't fit with modern times. The Ned Flanders' of the world are disappearing (or at least only coming on certain Tuesdays in November once every few years). We need a modern Church, with modern rules, the rules of the Bible interpreted by me. We need hard hitting rules, like this: Rule Number 1: Thou shalt not call a waggle play forcing your QB to roll to his weak side. Don't forget, the QB is a lefty, you might have to flip the playbook from the one you used with Drew Tate. I would like to propose Rule Number 2: The play must be signaled in prior to the play clock hitting :15. Let it be so, my son... |
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Post by The Bluzmn on Jun 24, 2008 6:37:05 GMT -6
It makes as much sense as ANY of the other churches out there.
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Post by Master Blaster on Jun 24, 2008 9:07:03 GMT -6
I got a job waiting for me when I get out don't I? I ciuld be the churches secret police force in charge of the brightly colored guards. Or I could release the secretly recorded tapes of BTR and an as of yet unnamed cardinal doing the nasty in the back office of the church.....
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Post by thunderhawk on Jun 24, 2008 9:51:13 GMT -6
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