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Post by TBELL on Mar 24, 2009 19:20:07 GMT -6
I really don't want to be a downer here guys, but I have been dealing with something for quite some time now that is bugging the ever living shit out of me. A few months ago, well early August I guess, I had to talk a new mother through CPR with her 3 month old child. Unfortunately the child did not make it, and I still carry this burdon on me to this day. I remember the day like it was yesterday.
Most times when I deal with a life/death situation, I have the phone line between me and whatever the situation is that I'm dealing with. It kind of helps keep me disconnected from those involved, so I don't feel the emotional effects. But for some reason, this has stuck with me. I couldn't tell you the first thing of what that baby looked like or even his name, but I feel like the child was mine and I failed it.
We have Employee Assistance Programs, and Critical Incident Stress Debriefing Teams, but I have found no relief from any of these programs. Sometimes I think it is easier to talk to people that really are not connected to what I do to get some relief, so I'm turning to my Wasteland brothers and sisters.
It has me emotionally drained right now, and it sucks. I dread answering another 9-1-1 line when it rings, thinking this could be another one. I'm 0-9 in the CPR department, so if you are ever in the Des Moines Area and need that kind of help for someone, ask for someone else if you get me.
Sometimes I fucking hate my job.
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Post by HawksStock on Mar 24, 2009 19:37:10 GMT -6
pm me with whatever you want, but keep the job. My father was 50 when he had me, he left toosoon. if you wan't want some philosophical shit I can give it to you. But mostly,[ all I can say is that you have been robbed. Dad needs to be their until we die, but that is not always possibe. In which case we need to rely on other peoples dads.
You shouldn't have to go through this, but your fucked in this instance, if my dad wasn't going through end stage dementia (equivalent to Alzheimer's, I would give him to you. . As long as your dad is capable, your dad should be for be for share, male guidance is necessary. I know better than ever before. (thier are tears running down my eyes)
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Post by HawksStock on Mar 24, 2009 19:40:03 GMT -6
I'm *********, and I approve of this message.
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Post by germaine on Mar 24, 2009 19:58:01 GMT -6
What about support groups or looking into grief counseling on your own? Maybe a group that deals with PTSD? You didn't know the mom or the baby, but that doesn't mean you didn't suffer a loss.
You've talked about enjoying your job...would it be possible to take a leave of absence for a few months, do something else (bartender, waiter, gigolo), get the counseling, and then return to dispatch?
Good luck...there's help out there; I hope you find it.
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Post by Iowafan1 on Mar 24, 2009 20:17:07 GMT -6
Hey Travis...FWIW, my guess is that by the time you are receiving that 911 call for CPR, critical time has already elapsed. The odds are already stacked against you. Don't, for any reason, blame yourself for the victims not surviving when it would have been the same result had anyone else been in your shoes having to give CPR instructions after it was too late. I don't mean to get you to work a job you don't enjoy, but the duties you perform are invaluable and, at some point, those CPR instructions will save a life. At that time, it will all be worth it. By the way, taking the whole CPR issue out of the equation, I guarantee you have contributed greatly to lives being saved in other aspects of your job as a 911 dispatcher. You should be proud of your efforts, not down on yourself!
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Post by HawksStock on Mar 24, 2009 20:18:57 GMT -6
I really don't want to be a downer here guys, but I have been dealing with something for quite some time now that is bugging the ever living shit out of me. A few months ago, well early August I guess, I had to talk a new mother through CPR with her 3 month old child. Unfortunately the child did not make it, and I still carry this burdon on me to this day. I remember the day like it was yesterday. Most times when I deal with a life/death situation, I have the phone line between me and whatever the situation is that I'm dealing with. It kind of helps keep me disconnected from those involved, so I don't feel the emotional effects. But for some reason, this has stuck with me. I couldn't tell you the first thing of what that baby looked like or even his name, but I feel like the child was mine and I failed it. We have Employee Assistance Programs, and Critical Incident Stress Debriefing Teams, but I have found no relief from any of these programs. Sometimes I think it is easier to talk to people that really are not connected to what I do to get some relief, so I'm turning to my Wasteland brothers and sisters. It has me emotionally drained right now, and it sucks. I dread answering another 9-1-1 line when it rings, thinking this could be another one. I'm 0-9 in the CPR department, so if you are ever in the Des Moines Area and need that kind of help for someone, ask for someone else if you get me. Sometimes I fucking hate my job. no one our age should lose a father, this is when we need him most. do you have a brother? if not a best friend? As gay as it may sound, it is time to cry into a shoulder of a male.
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Post by HawksStock on Mar 24, 2009 20:24:25 GMT -6
I really don't want to be a downer here guys, but I have been dealing with something for quite some time now that is bugging the ever living shit out of me. A few months ago, well early August I guess, I had to talk a new mother through CPR with her 3 month old child. Unfortunately the child did not make it, and I still carry this burdon on me to this day. I remember the day like it was yesterday. Most times when I deal with a life/death situation, I have the phone line between me and whatever the situation is that I'm dealing with. It kind of helps keep me disconnected from those involved, so I don't feel the emotional effects. But for some reason, this has stuck with me. I couldn't tell you the first thing of what that baby looked like or even his name, but I feel like the child was mine and I failed it. We have Employee Assistance Programs, and Critical Incident Stress Debriefing Teams, but I have found no relief from any of these programs. Sometimes I think it is easier to talk to people that really are not connected to what I do to get some relief, so I'm turning to my Wasteland brothers and sisters. It has me emotionally drained right now, and it sucks. I dread answering another 9-1-1 line when it rings, thinking this could be another one. I'm 0-9 in the CPR department, so if you are ever in the Des Moines Area and need that kind of help for someone, ask for someone else if you get me. Sometimes I fucking hate my job. no one our age should lose a father, this is when we need him most. do you have a brother? if not a best friend? As gay as it may sound, it is time to cry into a shoulder of a male. \\ post your're number and you'll see if we care. man if you are in need give me call, talkng to someone youj've never ,met can be good, travis taught me this. edit- my phone number was here.
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Post by iammrhawkeyes on Mar 24, 2009 22:12:53 GMT -6
Hey Travis...FWIW, my guess is that by the time you are receiving that 911 call for CPR, critical time has already elapsed. The odds are already stacked against you. Don't, for any reason, blame yourself for the victims not surviving when it would have been the same result had anyone else been in your shoes having to give CPR instructions after it was too late. I don't mean to get you to work a job you don't enjoy, but the duties you perform are invaluable and, at some point, those CPR instructions will save a life. At that time, it will all be worth it. By the way, taking the whole CPR issue out of the equation, I guarantee you have contributed greatly to lives being saved in other aspects of your job as a 911 dispatcher. You should be proud of your efforts, not down on yourself! +1. My cousin has the same job and I don't know how she does it. Good luck, man. We need people like you.
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Post by 101 on Mar 24, 2009 22:36:34 GMT -6
Travis, I agree with IowaFan (good lord, did I just say that outloud?), but he makes some excellent points.
As difficult as the situation may seem right now, always know that you play a critical role in helping many people through very difficult and challenging situations. There is no means to control the situation so that there is always a happy ending, but being there and performing a critical role makes you a hero just from that perspective.
Really, don't get down on yourself. Be proud of what you do, be proud that you do the best job you can do each and every day and have realistic expectations that sometimes the story may have a bad ending.
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Post by Dr. Doofenshmirtz (Heywood) on Mar 25, 2009 6:16:47 GMT -6
You may be 0-9 in the CPR column but that's only one aspect of your job. Getting the help to where it is needed quickly is also important. You aren't going to win every battle and sometimes things are out of your control. You are doing what you can to help people and if you aren't there to answer the phone they will be lost. Keep your head up and stay strong! We need you!
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Post by socal on Mar 25, 2009 6:47:57 GMT -6
Hey Travis...FWIW, my guess is that by the time you are receiving that 911 call for CPR, critical time has already elapsed. The odds are already stacked against you. Don't, for any reason, blame yourself for the victims not surviving when it would have been the same result had anyone else been in your shoes having to give CPR instructions after it was too late. I don't mean to get you to work a job you don't enjoy, but the duties you perform are invaluable and, at some point, those CPR instructions will save a life. At that time, it will all be worth it. By the way, taking the whole CPR issue out of the equation, I guarantee you have contributed greatly to lives being saved in other aspects of your job as a 911 dispatcher. You should be proud of your efforts, not down on yourself! I too agree. 1. If a person needs to call you for instructions on CPR, they are negligent themselves. CPR is taught for free across the country - and the callers chose to do something else. 2. Similar to what IF1 said, you are their hail mary. Sometimes people will have walked in on someone that is long since expired. Knowing the difference between someone that's been "dead" for 2 minutes and 4 hours requires a meat thermometer. The panicked layperson wouldn't know the difference ---- on those calls your role unknowingly becomes support for the caller. They will always remember trying to valiantly "save" a person that was likely long since expired. 3. Having heard similar stories from some relatives that are cops... be thankful you only have the voices, not the images. Bad things happen. While you picked a god-like career (people sometimes call in prayers / for guidance)... unfortunately you aren't actually god. And the fact that god itself allowed this - should rid you some of your improperly placed guilt.
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Post by roxxstar on Mar 25, 2009 7:28:16 GMT -6
Life is crazy man. Sometimes babies die. Sometimes mothers die. Sometimes fathers die. Sometimes good people die and bad people seem to prosper. Sometimes life is so fucked up it boggles your mind trying to wrap your head around it. Personally, I think this is why religion was created (to help us cope), but that is neither here nor there.
What I try to do to help myself from focusing on the negative aspects of this world is to realize just how small and clueless I really am. I know it sounds weird, but I seem to get relief from realizing that I don't understand the first thing about why the world works as it does. I acknowledge the sadness, but I don't dwell on it. Instead, I dwell on the positives and strive to be the absolute best person I can be. I do this and hope Karma takes me on a decent journey.
I'm not sure if this helps or not, but in reality you are never going to forget this incident (nor should you). But you can try to put it into perspective and use the experience to help yourself realize that it can all be over in a flash (for no justifiable reason). So, knowing that, the only thing that is important is living in the moment and doing what you enjoy. If you enjoy your career, stick with it and be the best damn dispatcher there ever was. If the job brings you more sadness then goodness, then maybe you should think of pursuing other careers. If the job ultimately brings you more positives then negatives, then focus on that to help you through times like this.
Who knows, this could all be bullshit I'm spitting out. When in doubt, do what I do. Roll up a nice hooter and head to the disc golf course.
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Post by NotMyKid on Mar 25, 2009 9:42:50 GMT -6
Hey Travis...FWIW, my guess is that by the time you are receiving that 911 call for CPR, critical time has already elapsed. The odds are already stacked against you. Don't, for any reason, blame yourself for the victims not surviving when it would have been the same result had anyone else been in your shoes having to give CPR instructions after it was too late. I don't mean to get you to work a job you don't enjoy, but the duties you perform are invaluable and, at some point, those CPR instructions will save a life. At that time, it will all be worth it. By the way, taking the whole CPR issue out of the equation, I guarantee you have contributed greatly to lives being saved in other aspects of your job as a 911 dispatcher. You should be proud of your efforts, not down on yourself! Agreed. Keep your head up man, you did your best and as bad as it sounds there is only so much you can do. I am sure ER doctors go through the same thing. Not everyone can be saved no matter how much help you give them. It sucks but that's the truth. Not everyone can do what you do on a daily basis just try and remember when you were a big part in getting someone help or saving someone's life. I know it isn't easy but remember that you used your training to the best of your ability and no matter who was on the other end of the phone they would have had the same results. Hopefully you are just going through a little funk and it passes but if not seek some help, and as always we are always here to help. At least most of us! ;D
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Post by MoHawk on Mar 25, 2009 9:57:13 GMT -6
I'll second what IaFan said.
On top of that, I cannot highly recommend enough praying and talking to God about this Travis. When I feel completely lost, I pray. The answer may not come right away and it isn't a booming voice. It comes in the form of support from family, friends and the idiots that frequent message boards.
You're a good man Travis, I've never even met you face to face and I can tell that. I for one think this makes you even better at your job. Why? Because now you know that you truly care about those people you are helping.
In your job Travis, as in everyone's job, you win some and you lose some. Your losses just weigh on you more than any of ours ever could or will.
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Post by Saggitariutt Jefferspin (ith) on Mar 25, 2009 11:19:30 GMT -6
Trav - I can't pretend to know what you feel or going through. I echo many of the sentiments said.
I appreciate what you do. You're job can't be easy, but is vital. Stay strong brotha.
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Post by poncho72 on Mar 25, 2009 11:23:36 GMT -6
Travis, my wife is a 911 dispatcher and could totally relate to what you are experiencing, she has had some horrific days at work and just hearing her stories have left an impact on me. I know that I couldn't do what you or my wife does for a living, you are heros! The advice that everyone has given is good stuff. As for my wife, I'm a good listener, and give her as much comfort as I can, tough, tough occupation.
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Post by TBELL on Mar 25, 2009 14:06:46 GMT -6
Thanks to everyone, you guys truely are like family. I have dealt with babies dying many times before, but for some reason, this one sticks with me and I can't shake it. I will seek some outside help and see where that gets me. I really do feel blessed to be able to do the job I do (and have a job for that matter), and through my job, have met many real life heros. I work with a couple on a daily basis to be honest. I do realize not everyone can be saved, I just hope at somepoint I can at least say I have a batting average in the save department. I am doing better today, I think the 8 year old getting killed in Altoona yesterday brought up a lot of emotion. I deal with some fucked up shit on a nearly daily basis, I had a dude think it would be cute to call 9-1-1, tell me he was going to blow his head off, then procede to pull the trigger and let me listen to the gunshot and agonal breathing for about 10 seconds, but that didn't bother me. I guess I'm starting to realize I should internalize all this that I hear and occasionally see and actually talk to someone about it. MoHawk - I do care, and I'm glad you noticed. I think anyone doing this job that doesn't give a fuck should move on, and we have a few here where I work. Poncho, please thank your wife for me. I'm sure she does a fine job! Anyone that wants to know what it can be like, last year, during a tornado at a boyscout camp in Western Iowa, there was a lone dispatcher working at Monona County, 22 years old. Dude handled the entire incident, law enforcement, EMS, Fire, not to mention the hundreds of phone calls from parents and people eager to help BY HIMSELF!! He was recently named telecommunicator of the year in Iowa, and rightfully so! Thanks again to all!
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Post by hawkeyedug on Mar 25, 2009 14:33:15 GMT -6
Trav, I know there is no way I could do what you do on a daily basis, just for the same reason that makes you good at it. I would care. It takes a special type of person to be able to care and not get down too often. You seem to be that person. It is only natural to get down every once in a while. I'm certain you aren't compensated near what the service and some of the shit you have to put up with deserves. Keep up the good work and thank you.
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Post by thunderhawk on Mar 26, 2009 12:58:25 GMT -6
You've got to, in this horrific situation, revert to logic and cold, hard reason. You didn't let that infant die. You did everything you could to prevent the tragedy. By the time you got that call the baby was probably already gone. In fact by the time you get any CPR call it is probably too late to help. That's just the brutal facts.
Bad shit happens in this world. Go talk to a professional therapist you like and trust one on one. He or she will help you see this right.
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