Post by Department of Redundancy Dept. on Jul 20, 2009 16:31:02 GMT -6
CP15: Coach Zook, let me just say, it is an honor to have the chance to speak to you for a few minutes. You know I really admire the way you turned the Fighting Illini around the last few years.
RZ: Yeah, me too.
CP15: Well, let’s get down to business. You know, many of our readers wanted me to ask you…
(Coach Zook’s cell phone begins to beep)
RZ: Sorry about that. Text. (Zook opens his phone, and then laughs boisterously)
CP15: So anyways coach, how do you…
RZ: Hang on there a minute Ted, I need to answer this. (Zook begins pushing buttons on his phone while giggling)
CP15: Actually, my name isn’t Ted, it’s…
RZ: (Reading aloud slowly what he is typing) Z..O..M..G…U…Should… tell…. Juice… to.. not.. drink.. so.. much… juice….L..O..L (Zook closes phone) Sorry, important business. University business, you know how it is.
CP15: No problem coach, now, back to my question. How important is it to the program that you are able to replicate the success you had during the 2007 season?
RZ: What are you talking about? We easily replicated the success of the 2007 season last year.
CP15: Coach Zook, with all due respect, last year…
RZ: Please, call me Ron Ron.
CP15: Excuse me?
RZ: I don’t like being called Coach Zook. Coach Zook is my father’s name. I am much more comfortable being called Ron Ron.
CP15: Really? Who calls you Ron Ron?
RR: All of my friends mostly. I won’t let the word coach be said in the locker room.
CP15: Your friends? Locker room? Are all of your friends your players?
RR: Of course! I make them treat me just like one of the guys. They are really important to me. If they thought of me as a (Ron Ron makes air quotes) “Coach”, it would totally harsh my mellow.
CP15: That’s…surprising. Anyways, back to my question…..Ron Ron. You say you duplicated your success in 2007 last year. But you won four fewer games last year than in 2007.
RR: (After about 15 seconds) Is there a question?
CP15: OK, how can you say you repeated your success when you clearly didn’t repeat your success!
RR: Friend, we finished in the top 20 both years! Our success never dropped off once!
CP15: Coa…Ron Ron, you didn’t finish in the top 20 during 2008. You only won 5 games…
(Ron Ron opens up his lap top)
CP15: Wait, what are you doing?
RR: Updating my Twitter page dawg! I use it to keep track of all of the best friends I am recruiting. Tell me if this sounds boss. “The Pride and the passion of Illinois football. We need warriors who will be true to the winning tradition. Just saw Transformers. Megan Fox is teh HAWT!!!”
CP15: I don’t get it.
RR: (loudly) Shakespeare my good man!
CP15: That’s not Shakespeare.
RR: (defensive and angry) You calling me a liar?
CP15: No, Ron Ron, I just think you are misinformed. I don’t think the Bard ever wrote about Illinois Football.
RR (Stands up and begins to flex) Well I think he did. You gotta problem with that?
CP15: No coach, of course not. I was just trying to clarify…
RR (Rolls up his shirt sleeves and steps closer to me, staring me down) Clarify this you twat! It was from King Harold the Shut the Hell up! (Face gets bright red)
CP15: (nervously)Right again Ron Ron!
RR: Hell yeah! (Ron Ron holds his hand up for a high five, and keeps it there into I finally give it to him)
CP15: Coach, can I get back to my question?
RR: Of course Mike.
CP15: My name’s not…Anyways. You said that you had a top 20 finish in 2008. Where did you get this information?
RR: All of the important sports reporters. Scouts, Rivals, the Espn, they all ranked us in the top 20.
CP15: Wait Ron Ron, I think you’re thinking of recruiting. I was talking about the games.
RR: The games? Who cares about the games?
CP15: Well Ron Ron, the games are the most important part.
RR: The games are a damned waste of time. They always make me read this book before the games; it sucks. I would rather spend the time hanging with my boys and making new 4 star friends, but they always make me go to these games.
CP15: Coach, recruiting rankings don’t mean anything. It is your rankings after the games that is important…
(Ron Ron, suddenly runs to the window and begins to yell)
RR: NERRRRRRDSSSS! NERRRRRRRDDSSSS! NERDS NERDS NERDS!
CP15: Ron Ron, what the heck was…
RR: Yo, I gotta tell my boy AB about this! (He whips out his cell phone and begins texting, out loud again) I…Just…saw…me…some…nerds……they…pisssed…their…pants….L..O..L..
(closes phone)
RR: Now where were we?
CP15: (sighing) To be honest coach, I have no idea. Can you explain that outburst to me?
RR: The most important part of the student-athlete experience. Jocks, like me, beat up nerds.
CP15: Why would you do that?
RR: We kicked them out of their dorms because I accidentally burned up the football frat trying to blow a fireball out of everclear..
CP15: (long pause) OK Ron Ron, that is clearly the plot from Revenge of the Nerds.
RR: Revenge of the Nerds? (Suddenly very paranoid) What are they planning? Those little homos are crafty, so we have to gameplan.
CP15: Homos? Ron Ron, that is very offensive.
RR: (Ron Ron stands up and flexes again) Wait a minute, you sound like a little homo nerd. You aren’t a little homo nerd are you?
CP15: No, of course not. (Nervously) Well coach, I think I’m out of time here…
RR: HA! You’re cool. C’mon, get your homo ass over here and spot me (Ron Ron rushes over to a bench press in the middle of his office)
CP15: Actually Ron Ron, I would rather just move on.
RR: WHAT! And leave yourself vulnerable to an attack by the nerds! We need to put some weight up right now!
CP15: Fine, as long as it is fast. Do you mind if I ask you another question while you lift?
RR: No problem. You will find that the largest muscle in my body is my brain muscle. Now grab those 45lb plates.
CP15: (straining under the weight of the plates) Some people think that you were integral to the success of Florida in recent years by building up the talent that Urban Meyer then lead to a championship. Do you feel you were treated unfairly at Florida?
RR: (while lifting weights, with intermittent grunting) Well Seamus, I don’t like to UGNNNHHHH think about that. What is in the UUUUUGNNNNHHHH past is in the past. Florida was a wonderful oppURRRRRRRRRRRRRRtunity for me. However, I am focused on making the Illini a UGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH for many years to come.
CP15: Ron Ron, you are surprisingly lucid while you’re lifting. I like talking to you when you do this.
RR: Hell yeah! UGHHHHHHNNNNNN SEVEN!
CP15: Come on you pussy, three more! Let me see them!
RR: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
CP15: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH PUSH IT DAMMIT!
RR: TEEEEEEENNNNNNN! (Ron Ron sets the bar)
CP15: Hell yeah Ron Ron, way to blow that shit up!
RR: I am no longer Ron Ron. Please refer to me as the Zooker.
CP15: No problem Zooker. I got another question for you. How exactly did you get to be so awesome?
Z: I just stay real, and let the universe unfold as it should.
CP15: Dude, you should totally give me your cell number so I can text you!
Z: Awesome brah! Do you…do you want to be friends with me?
CP15: No way dude!
Z: (crushed) Oh, well, I understand, thanks for comi…
CP15: I want to be best friends with you!
Z: AWWWWW Dude! You totally got me! Check this out! (Zooker pulls out his cell and begins furiously texting)
CP15: (I open my phone and read the text as a huge smile crawls across my face) Awesome dude! I’m totally down! One question, what the heck is a Devil’s threeway?
Z: Awwww dude, it will blow your mind, you see… (Zook suddenly stops, and points out the window) Dude, dude…12 O’Clock!
CP15: What! ( I look out the window) NERRRRRDDDDDSSSSS NERRRDDDDSSSSS!
Z: I think it is time to share some Hurtz donuts with those nerds.
CP15: What’s that?
Z: (punches me in the arm extremely hard, which later learned fractured it) Hurtz, Donut! HA HA HA!
CP15: Duuuuuuuude! Awesome! (I wince in pain when Zooker looks away)
Z: You thinking what I’m thinking?
CP15: Let’s get those homos! (We run out of the office together)
RZ: Yeah, me too.
CP15: Well, let’s get down to business. You know, many of our readers wanted me to ask you…
(Coach Zook’s cell phone begins to beep)
RZ: Sorry about that. Text. (Zook opens his phone, and then laughs boisterously)
CP15: So anyways coach, how do you…
RZ: Hang on there a minute Ted, I need to answer this. (Zook begins pushing buttons on his phone while giggling)
CP15: Actually, my name isn’t Ted, it’s…
RZ: (Reading aloud slowly what he is typing) Z..O..M..G…U…Should… tell…. Juice… to.. not.. drink.. so.. much… juice….L..O..L (Zook closes phone) Sorry, important business. University business, you know how it is.
CP15: No problem coach, now, back to my question. How important is it to the program that you are able to replicate the success you had during the 2007 season?
RZ: What are you talking about? We easily replicated the success of the 2007 season last year.
CP15: Coach Zook, with all due respect, last year…
RZ: Please, call me Ron Ron.
CP15: Excuse me?
RZ: I don’t like being called Coach Zook. Coach Zook is my father’s name. I am much more comfortable being called Ron Ron.
CP15: Really? Who calls you Ron Ron?
RR: All of my friends mostly. I won’t let the word coach be said in the locker room.
CP15: Your friends? Locker room? Are all of your friends your players?
RR: Of course! I make them treat me just like one of the guys. They are really important to me. If they thought of me as a (Ron Ron makes air quotes) “Coach”, it would totally harsh my mellow.
CP15: That’s…surprising. Anyways, back to my question…..Ron Ron. You say you duplicated your success in 2007 last year. But you won four fewer games last year than in 2007.
RR: (After about 15 seconds) Is there a question?
CP15: OK, how can you say you repeated your success when you clearly didn’t repeat your success!
RR: Friend, we finished in the top 20 both years! Our success never dropped off once!
CP15: Coa…Ron Ron, you didn’t finish in the top 20 during 2008. You only won 5 games…
(Ron Ron opens up his lap top)
CP15: Wait, what are you doing?
RR: Updating my Twitter page dawg! I use it to keep track of all of the best friends I am recruiting. Tell me if this sounds boss. “The Pride and the passion of Illinois football. We need warriors who will be true to the winning tradition. Just saw Transformers. Megan Fox is teh HAWT!!!”
CP15: I don’t get it.
RR: (loudly) Shakespeare my good man!
CP15: That’s not Shakespeare.
RR: (defensive and angry) You calling me a liar?
CP15: No, Ron Ron, I just think you are misinformed. I don’t think the Bard ever wrote about Illinois Football.
RR (Stands up and begins to flex) Well I think he did. You gotta problem with that?
CP15: No coach, of course not. I was just trying to clarify…
RR (Rolls up his shirt sleeves and steps closer to me, staring me down) Clarify this you twat! It was from King Harold the Shut the Hell up! (Face gets bright red)
CP15: (nervously)Right again Ron Ron!
RR: Hell yeah! (Ron Ron holds his hand up for a high five, and keeps it there into I finally give it to him)
CP15: Coach, can I get back to my question?
RR: Of course Mike.
CP15: My name’s not…Anyways. You said that you had a top 20 finish in 2008. Where did you get this information?
RR: All of the important sports reporters. Scouts, Rivals, the Espn, they all ranked us in the top 20.
CP15: Wait Ron Ron, I think you’re thinking of recruiting. I was talking about the games.
RR: The games? Who cares about the games?
CP15: Well Ron Ron, the games are the most important part.
RR: The games are a damned waste of time. They always make me read this book before the games; it sucks. I would rather spend the time hanging with my boys and making new 4 star friends, but they always make me go to these games.
CP15: Coach, recruiting rankings don’t mean anything. It is your rankings after the games that is important…
(Ron Ron, suddenly runs to the window and begins to yell)
RR: NERRRRRRDSSSS! NERRRRRRRDDSSSS! NERDS NERDS NERDS!
CP15: Ron Ron, what the heck was…
RR: Yo, I gotta tell my boy AB about this! (He whips out his cell phone and begins texting, out loud again) I…Just…saw…me…some…nerds……they…pisssed…their…pants….L..O..L..
(closes phone)
RR: Now where were we?
CP15: (sighing) To be honest coach, I have no idea. Can you explain that outburst to me?
RR: The most important part of the student-athlete experience. Jocks, like me, beat up nerds.
CP15: Why would you do that?
RR: We kicked them out of their dorms because I accidentally burned up the football frat trying to blow a fireball out of everclear..
CP15: (long pause) OK Ron Ron, that is clearly the plot from Revenge of the Nerds.
RR: Revenge of the Nerds? (Suddenly very paranoid) What are they planning? Those little homos are crafty, so we have to gameplan.
CP15: Homos? Ron Ron, that is very offensive.
RR: (Ron Ron stands up and flexes again) Wait a minute, you sound like a little homo nerd. You aren’t a little homo nerd are you?
CP15: No, of course not. (Nervously) Well coach, I think I’m out of time here…
RR: HA! You’re cool. C’mon, get your homo ass over here and spot me (Ron Ron rushes over to a bench press in the middle of his office)
CP15: Actually Ron Ron, I would rather just move on.
RR: WHAT! And leave yourself vulnerable to an attack by the nerds! We need to put some weight up right now!
CP15: Fine, as long as it is fast. Do you mind if I ask you another question while you lift?
RR: No problem. You will find that the largest muscle in my body is my brain muscle. Now grab those 45lb plates.
CP15: (straining under the weight of the plates) Some people think that you were integral to the success of Florida in recent years by building up the talent that Urban Meyer then lead to a championship. Do you feel you were treated unfairly at Florida?
RR: (while lifting weights, with intermittent grunting) Well Seamus, I don’t like to UGNNNHHHH think about that. What is in the UUUUUGNNNNHHHH past is in the past. Florida was a wonderful oppURRRRRRRRRRRRRRtunity for me. However, I am focused on making the Illini a UGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH for many years to come.
CP15: Ron Ron, you are surprisingly lucid while you’re lifting. I like talking to you when you do this.
RR: Hell yeah! UGHHHHHHNNNNNN SEVEN!
CP15: Come on you pussy, three more! Let me see them!
RR: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
CP15: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH PUSH IT DAMMIT!
RR: TEEEEEEENNNNNNN! (Ron Ron sets the bar)
CP15: Hell yeah Ron Ron, way to blow that shit up!
RR: I am no longer Ron Ron. Please refer to me as the Zooker.
CP15: No problem Zooker. I got another question for you. How exactly did you get to be so awesome?
Z: I just stay real, and let the universe unfold as it should.
CP15: Dude, you should totally give me your cell number so I can text you!
Z: Awesome brah! Do you…do you want to be friends with me?
CP15: No way dude!
Z: (crushed) Oh, well, I understand, thanks for comi…
CP15: I want to be best friends with you!
Z: AWWWWW Dude! You totally got me! Check this out! (Zooker pulls out his cell and begins furiously texting)
CP15: (I open my phone and read the text as a huge smile crawls across my face) Awesome dude! I’m totally down! One question, what the heck is a Devil’s threeway?
Z: Awwww dude, it will blow your mind, you see… (Zook suddenly stops, and points out the window) Dude, dude…12 O’Clock!
CP15: What! ( I look out the window) NERRRRRDDDDDSSSSS NERRRDDDDSSSSS!
Z: I think it is time to share some Hurtz donuts with those nerds.
CP15: What’s that?
Z: (punches me in the arm extremely hard, which later learned fractured it) Hurtz, Donut! HA HA HA!
CP15: Duuuuuuuude! Awesome! (I wince in pain when Zooker looks away)
Z: You thinking what I’m thinking?
CP15: Let’s get those homos! (We run out of the office together)
