Post by Department of Redundancy Dept. on Jul 21, 2009 13:49:58 GMT -6
CP15: Coach O’Keefe, this is really an honor, thanks so much for speaking with us.
KO: It’s my pleasure. Did you find one of my flyers, or were you referred by someone else?
CP15: Excuse me?
KO: Customer referrals are a large part of my business. I just like to keep track of how people are getting in touch with me.
CP15: Coach, I have to be honest with you, I have no idea what you are talking about. I guess technically I was referred to you by the Sports Information Director, although all I did was email him.
KO: Wow, really? I haven’t talked to that guy in years! I surprised he still remembers me. I remember I saw him on his birthday. I heard there was going to be an office party, but everyone there said they were going to meet a friend who they all knew outside of work that I didn’t know.
CP15: (pause) That’s…nice. Coach, you said something about customers. What exactly did you mean by that?
KO: Oh, I see, playing hard to get. Well, I can tell you’re a smart kid, so I won’t even try the hard sell.
CP15: Sell… coach? What exactly are you selling?
KO: (extremely loud) I am glad you asked me young man! What I am selling is not so much a wonderful product, but a way of life. (Jaunty music starts to play in the background) A way to keep the idle young men of Iowa City away from the frustration and temptation of the jet net set. You see son, there’s trouble. And I’m talking about trouble. That’s trouble with a “T” and that rhymes with “C” and that stands for computers!
CP15: Where is that music coming from?
(Coach O’Keefe puts on a straw hat and starts to dance)
CP15: Wait a minute. This is from “The Music Man”. I guess the play is about Iowa…kinda. Are you doing something with the theatre department or something. (under my breath) Please tell me you’re doing something with the theatre department…
KO: No young man, I am talking about typewriters! That’s my business. The glory of the printed word in the comfort of your roll top desk. Put away that fountain pen son, because this is the wave of the future!
CP15: Wait, typewriters? You sell typewriters?
KO: That’s right young man, in fact I am the sole typewriter salesman in this here county. Nary a man around here presses a letter to stock without an O’Keefe. Now young man, I can see what you’re thinking; Ol’ O’Keefe has me over the saw horse. He’s the only gent selling the type, and he has the top of the line equipment. This guy is gonna take me to the cleaners. But young man, you’re wrong, because O’Keefe may sell the best, but he sells at an honest price. Now take a look at this beauty…
(Coach O’Keefe drags a large black trunk into the room and opens it, revealing several typewriters)
CP15: I’m going to have to stop you there coach. You are mistaken. I am not looking to buy a typewriter.
KO: Well this little beauty is going to change your mind. That ding you hear when you push it into place is the sound of the money you’ll save from avoiding long trips to the printers.
CP15: Coach, I’m a reporter. I’m interviewing you?
KO: (Very long pause) Son, what is this? This is a legitimate business. If this is about that trouble in Ohio, I was exonerated. It was in self defense.
CP15: (Very aggravated) FOOTBALL, COACH! (Composes himself) I am interviewing you about football, coach. The Iowa football team? Can we talk about football?
KO: I get it. I’ll scratch your back. How many typewriters does your newspaper need?
CP15: I don’t need any typewriters coach. No one uses typewriters.
KO: That is a misconception son. The typewriter is a classic tool that will never go out of style.
CP15: With….some due respect coach, computers are much easier to use than typewriters.
KO: Punk kids. The old fashioned way is the way to go.
CP15: But coach, the old fashioned way doesn’t work anymore. Computers are much faster and easier to use than typewriters .
KO: I respectfully disagree. Some people still like the old style.
CP15: Really? Who? How many typewriters have you sold lately?
KO: The business is a little slow boy. You see, typewriters never break down, so once you sell one, you lose a customer for life.
CP15: But nobody…. (Deep sigh) Anyways coach, let me ask you about football.
KO: So you concede that typewriters are not too old fashioned?
CP15: Sure, damn it, whatever. Much like your typewriters, some people have accused your offense of being too old fashioned. How do you respond to that?
KO: Who said that?
CP15: Really? Lots of people said that.
KO: Like who?
CP15: OK, let us say that I said it, what would you say?
KO: I don’t know why would you think that. There are still 11 men on the field today, just like there was 80 years ago.
CP15: True, however…
KO: Every team has the same players. Every offense has 5 linemen, 2 tight ends, a full back, a tail back, and a split end.
CP15: Actually coach, that is just not true. Many teams do not have two tight ends or a full back.
KO: Wait a minute. I think I know what you’re getting at. Did you know that in this country, we actually call that sport soccer?
CP15: No coach, I am talking about American football! Not every team has two tight ends on offense!
KO: Ok kid, I’ll play along. And pray tell, how does this imaginary offense function with only one tight end?
CP15: Seriously? Seriously? (Gets up to walk away, then sighs and sits back down) Coach, many offenses run without a tight end. They will often line up 5 wide receivers rather than use tight ends.
KO: And how would that work? Who is the Quarterback going to hand off to? Dumbass.
CP15: They usually don’t hand it off coach.
KO: Well obviously not, but he still has to fake the handoff.
CP15: Why?
KO: You really don’t understand football do you? You see, in my experience, a defense never sees a fake handoff coming. So you run the ball twice in a row up the middle, then you fake the handoff on third down, and about 40% of the time, one of the tight ends is wide open. It is a fool proof play!
CP15: Coach, you know it is possible to pass the ball without a play-action fake right?
KO: I suppose you could, but I can’t imagine how it would work.
CP15: That is why they send out 5 receivers coach. It is difficult for the defense to guard them all at the same time, so the quarterback has an easier time finding an open man.
KO: How could a quarterback keep track of 5 receivers, as you call them? That makes my brain hurt to even think about it.
CP15: It couldn’t be that hard. Usually you will get a fast receiver being covered by a linebacker, which means that he should be able to get open relatively easy. It is about finding a mismatch on the defense.
KO: Well that hardly seems fair.
CP15: Excuse me?
KO: Well, where is the honor in that? You don’t want to try and trick them, you just get your big guys, and you try and run over their big guys. It is so simple and elegant. That is the way to go.
CP15: I suppose, but how about mixing it up? Keep the opponents guessing?
KO: Why keep them guessing. My philosophy is to find one thing to do really well, and then just do it.
CP15: But what if it doesn’t work? If you are going to try and run the other guy over, then they know what you are going to do. Doesn’t it make it hard to score when the other team knows what you are going to do?
KO: What’s the point in winning if you are tricking people. I believe in doing things the right way. Tricking people is immoral. However, you have punk kids like you who think that it is ok. People like you who think that computers are so great, even though they have the porn and the mary-ju-anya. You don’t believe in doing things the right way, like handing off to a full back, or using a typewriter.
CP15: The point is to win though coach! You try and win. Using a spread offense is within the rules. The point is to trick the defense. That has always been the point. It is a bad thing when the defense knows what you’re doing.
KO: Let me ask you something Cheech. Do you use a computer?
CP15: Of course coach. I am writing this for a website. This thing in my lap right now, this is a computer.
(Coach O’Keefe tilts his head to narrows his eye at the computer)
KO: I thought it was a little small to be a briefcase. (Coach O’Keefe continues to stare at the computer. This goes on for a good 90 seconds) Where is the tape?
CP15: Tape? Coach, I am not recording this, I am typing it. On my computer.
KO: No, I mean the computer tape. The reels?
CP15: Reels? Coach, computers have not used magnetic tape in 30 years. They store information on hard drives. They are smaller than your hand, which is why they make computers like this so small.
(Coach O’Keefe’s mouth is wide open. He shakes his head, then flashes a huge smile)
KO: I guess we’ll just have to agree to disagee.
CP15: (Yelling) There is nothing to disagree on! Look at it! How can you deny it when it is right in front of your face! (I rise and shove my computer within an inch of O’Keefe’s face. O’Keefe stares straight ahead, unblinking, with a confident smirk on his face) Look at it you moron! This is the future! Deal with it!
KO: You have failed to show me one single way that tiny briefcase is better than a typewriter. And you know why? Because you can’t think of one.
CP15: Well let’s see here you retard. It’s smaller, it is easier to use, it can save everything you type, it is easier to correct mistakes, it can be used to share what you write to anywhere in the world in matter of seconds, it is easier to format, I can change text size, font, and colors…
KO: (interrupting) Son…SON! Come clean with me, you only use that thing for the porn don’t you?
(Loud angry scream is heard reverberating throughout the building)
CP15: What the hell is wrong with you?
KO: (Defensive) Wrong with me? You are the rapscallion who confused football with soccer! (Arrogant laughter)
(Several minutes of silence as I sit in the lotus position and close my eyes, rocking back and forth gently trying to control my fury)
CP15: Ok, I think I am better. Sorry about that coach. I was clearly thinking of soccer. Can I ask you a football question. An American football question.
KO: This should be good.
CP15: Obviously you have had success running the football at Iowa. However, you have not had many game changing wide receivers. Do you think your style of offense discourages high profile receivers from choosing Iowa during recruiting?
KO: Well, that is a matter of opinion. I feel that Iowa has had some pretty good receivers over the years.
CP15: Well of course, Ed Hinkle, C.J. Jones, Andy Brodell. However, none of them were exactly All Americans or high draft picks.
KO: Well, that’s one way to look at it. They were obviously talented young men, but if they were good enough, they would have made it as tight ends.
CP15: Tight ends, coach? I am talking about receivers.
KO: Yeah, exactly. Receivers are just tight ends who couldn’t put on the weight.
CP15: Wait, you recruit receivers to turn them into tight ends?
KO: Well of course. Since we turn so many tight ends into tackles, I have to have the extra tight ends come from somewhere. What good is it having 5 recievers on the roster if I only have 8 tight ends?
CP15: Well coach, you know you can use receivers to…nevermind.
KO: Darn tootin’.
CP15: Well coach, I think this is as far as I can make it with this interview. I really need a beer.
KO: Oh son, you know better than to drink alcohol. (O’Keefe moves in closely, and lowers his voice to a whisper) I like you kid, so I’ll let you in on a little secret. My cousin Thad runs a little speak easy in a field near North Liberty. Lots of hot jazz and women if ankle-length bloomers. The password is Hooverville. Make sure no constables are following you.
CP15: Wait, what?
KO: No badges kid. It is a sweet little watering hole.
CP15: Wait, let me guess. You think we are under prohibition.
KO: (Whispering angrily) Shut up kid, don’t let the word out! (Looking around nervously)
KO: (Now very loudly) Of course son! Prohibition keeps noses clean and minds clear. Those temperance ladies are saints I tell ya!
CP15: Ok I think I’m done here.
KO: Stay dry kid.
CP15: (Walks away, but suddenly turns back and gets right in O’Keefe’s face) Listen, before I go, I got to let you know some things. No one uses type writers you dumbass! They are useless pieces of crap, and no one will ever buy one again…in the history of the world. Oh, and football teams actually use wide receivers. The forward pass is a useful strategy you dick! Learn the game douche!
(O’Keefe rolls his eyes and laughs)
CP15: Oh, and guess what! There is no prohibition! Drinking has been legal for 70 years! That is your entire life and then some! Are you really that stupid, or are you spectacularly self-unaware? Although part of me thinks you are just messing with me, I am really concerned that you have some bizarre mis-diagnosed autism! How could you not understand how the world works? How football works?
(Long pause)
KO: What’s it going to take to have you take home one of these typewriters today?
CP15: (Extremely depressed sigh) How much?
KO: It’s my pleasure. Did you find one of my flyers, or were you referred by someone else?
CP15: Excuse me?
KO: Customer referrals are a large part of my business. I just like to keep track of how people are getting in touch with me.
CP15: Coach, I have to be honest with you, I have no idea what you are talking about. I guess technically I was referred to you by the Sports Information Director, although all I did was email him.
KO: Wow, really? I haven’t talked to that guy in years! I surprised he still remembers me. I remember I saw him on his birthday. I heard there was going to be an office party, but everyone there said they were going to meet a friend who they all knew outside of work that I didn’t know.
CP15: (pause) That’s…nice. Coach, you said something about customers. What exactly did you mean by that?
KO: Oh, I see, playing hard to get. Well, I can tell you’re a smart kid, so I won’t even try the hard sell.
CP15: Sell… coach? What exactly are you selling?
KO: (extremely loud) I am glad you asked me young man! What I am selling is not so much a wonderful product, but a way of life. (Jaunty music starts to play in the background) A way to keep the idle young men of Iowa City away from the frustration and temptation of the jet net set. You see son, there’s trouble. And I’m talking about trouble. That’s trouble with a “T” and that rhymes with “C” and that stands for computers!
CP15: Where is that music coming from?
(Coach O’Keefe puts on a straw hat and starts to dance)
CP15: Wait a minute. This is from “The Music Man”. I guess the play is about Iowa…kinda. Are you doing something with the theatre department or something. (under my breath) Please tell me you’re doing something with the theatre department…
KO: No young man, I am talking about typewriters! That’s my business. The glory of the printed word in the comfort of your roll top desk. Put away that fountain pen son, because this is the wave of the future!
CP15: Wait, typewriters? You sell typewriters?
KO: That’s right young man, in fact I am the sole typewriter salesman in this here county. Nary a man around here presses a letter to stock without an O’Keefe. Now young man, I can see what you’re thinking; Ol’ O’Keefe has me over the saw horse. He’s the only gent selling the type, and he has the top of the line equipment. This guy is gonna take me to the cleaners. But young man, you’re wrong, because O’Keefe may sell the best, but he sells at an honest price. Now take a look at this beauty…
(Coach O’Keefe drags a large black trunk into the room and opens it, revealing several typewriters)
CP15: I’m going to have to stop you there coach. You are mistaken. I am not looking to buy a typewriter.
KO: Well this little beauty is going to change your mind. That ding you hear when you push it into place is the sound of the money you’ll save from avoiding long trips to the printers.
CP15: Coach, I’m a reporter. I’m interviewing you?
KO: (Very long pause) Son, what is this? This is a legitimate business. If this is about that trouble in Ohio, I was exonerated. It was in self defense.
CP15: (Very aggravated) FOOTBALL, COACH! (Composes himself) I am interviewing you about football, coach. The Iowa football team? Can we talk about football?
KO: I get it. I’ll scratch your back. How many typewriters does your newspaper need?
CP15: I don’t need any typewriters coach. No one uses typewriters.
KO: That is a misconception son. The typewriter is a classic tool that will never go out of style.
CP15: With….some due respect coach, computers are much easier to use than typewriters.
KO: Punk kids. The old fashioned way is the way to go.
CP15: But coach, the old fashioned way doesn’t work anymore. Computers are much faster and easier to use than typewriters .
KO: I respectfully disagree. Some people still like the old style.
CP15: Really? Who? How many typewriters have you sold lately?
KO: The business is a little slow boy. You see, typewriters never break down, so once you sell one, you lose a customer for life.
CP15: But nobody…. (Deep sigh) Anyways coach, let me ask you about football.
KO: So you concede that typewriters are not too old fashioned?
CP15: Sure, damn it, whatever. Much like your typewriters, some people have accused your offense of being too old fashioned. How do you respond to that?
KO: Who said that?
CP15: Really? Lots of people said that.
KO: Like who?
CP15: OK, let us say that I said it, what would you say?
KO: I don’t know why would you think that. There are still 11 men on the field today, just like there was 80 years ago.
CP15: True, however…
KO: Every team has the same players. Every offense has 5 linemen, 2 tight ends, a full back, a tail back, and a split end.
CP15: Actually coach, that is just not true. Many teams do not have two tight ends or a full back.
KO: Wait a minute. I think I know what you’re getting at. Did you know that in this country, we actually call that sport soccer?
CP15: No coach, I am talking about American football! Not every team has two tight ends on offense!
KO: Ok kid, I’ll play along. And pray tell, how does this imaginary offense function with only one tight end?
CP15: Seriously? Seriously? (Gets up to walk away, then sighs and sits back down) Coach, many offenses run without a tight end. They will often line up 5 wide receivers rather than use tight ends.
KO: And how would that work? Who is the Quarterback going to hand off to? Dumbass.
CP15: They usually don’t hand it off coach.
KO: Well obviously not, but he still has to fake the handoff.
CP15: Why?
KO: You really don’t understand football do you? You see, in my experience, a defense never sees a fake handoff coming. So you run the ball twice in a row up the middle, then you fake the handoff on third down, and about 40% of the time, one of the tight ends is wide open. It is a fool proof play!
CP15: Coach, you know it is possible to pass the ball without a play-action fake right?
KO: I suppose you could, but I can’t imagine how it would work.
CP15: That is why they send out 5 receivers coach. It is difficult for the defense to guard them all at the same time, so the quarterback has an easier time finding an open man.
KO: How could a quarterback keep track of 5 receivers, as you call them? That makes my brain hurt to even think about it.
CP15: It couldn’t be that hard. Usually you will get a fast receiver being covered by a linebacker, which means that he should be able to get open relatively easy. It is about finding a mismatch on the defense.
KO: Well that hardly seems fair.
CP15: Excuse me?
KO: Well, where is the honor in that? You don’t want to try and trick them, you just get your big guys, and you try and run over their big guys. It is so simple and elegant. That is the way to go.
CP15: I suppose, but how about mixing it up? Keep the opponents guessing?
KO: Why keep them guessing. My philosophy is to find one thing to do really well, and then just do it.
CP15: But what if it doesn’t work? If you are going to try and run the other guy over, then they know what you are going to do. Doesn’t it make it hard to score when the other team knows what you are going to do?
KO: What’s the point in winning if you are tricking people. I believe in doing things the right way. Tricking people is immoral. However, you have punk kids like you who think that it is ok. People like you who think that computers are so great, even though they have the porn and the mary-ju-anya. You don’t believe in doing things the right way, like handing off to a full back, or using a typewriter.
CP15: The point is to win though coach! You try and win. Using a spread offense is within the rules. The point is to trick the defense. That has always been the point. It is a bad thing when the defense knows what you’re doing.
KO: Let me ask you something Cheech. Do you use a computer?
CP15: Of course coach. I am writing this for a website. This thing in my lap right now, this is a computer.
(Coach O’Keefe tilts his head to narrows his eye at the computer)
KO: I thought it was a little small to be a briefcase. (Coach O’Keefe continues to stare at the computer. This goes on for a good 90 seconds) Where is the tape?
CP15: Tape? Coach, I am not recording this, I am typing it. On my computer.
KO: No, I mean the computer tape. The reels?
CP15: Reels? Coach, computers have not used magnetic tape in 30 years. They store information on hard drives. They are smaller than your hand, which is why they make computers like this so small.
(Coach O’Keefe’s mouth is wide open. He shakes his head, then flashes a huge smile)
KO: I guess we’ll just have to agree to disagee.
CP15: (Yelling) There is nothing to disagree on! Look at it! How can you deny it when it is right in front of your face! (I rise and shove my computer within an inch of O’Keefe’s face. O’Keefe stares straight ahead, unblinking, with a confident smirk on his face) Look at it you moron! This is the future! Deal with it!
KO: You have failed to show me one single way that tiny briefcase is better than a typewriter. And you know why? Because you can’t think of one.
CP15: Well let’s see here you retard. It’s smaller, it is easier to use, it can save everything you type, it is easier to correct mistakes, it can be used to share what you write to anywhere in the world in matter of seconds, it is easier to format, I can change text size, font, and colors…
KO: (interrupting) Son…SON! Come clean with me, you only use that thing for the porn don’t you?
(Loud angry scream is heard reverberating throughout the building)
CP15: What the hell is wrong with you?
KO: (Defensive) Wrong with me? You are the rapscallion who confused football with soccer! (Arrogant laughter)
(Several minutes of silence as I sit in the lotus position and close my eyes, rocking back and forth gently trying to control my fury)
CP15: Ok, I think I am better. Sorry about that coach. I was clearly thinking of soccer. Can I ask you a football question. An American football question.
KO: This should be good.
CP15: Obviously you have had success running the football at Iowa. However, you have not had many game changing wide receivers. Do you think your style of offense discourages high profile receivers from choosing Iowa during recruiting?
KO: Well, that is a matter of opinion. I feel that Iowa has had some pretty good receivers over the years.
CP15: Well of course, Ed Hinkle, C.J. Jones, Andy Brodell. However, none of them were exactly All Americans or high draft picks.
KO: Well, that’s one way to look at it. They were obviously talented young men, but if they were good enough, they would have made it as tight ends.
CP15: Tight ends, coach? I am talking about receivers.
KO: Yeah, exactly. Receivers are just tight ends who couldn’t put on the weight.
CP15: Wait, you recruit receivers to turn them into tight ends?
KO: Well of course. Since we turn so many tight ends into tackles, I have to have the extra tight ends come from somewhere. What good is it having 5 recievers on the roster if I only have 8 tight ends?
CP15: Well coach, you know you can use receivers to…nevermind.
KO: Darn tootin’.
CP15: Well coach, I think this is as far as I can make it with this interview. I really need a beer.
KO: Oh son, you know better than to drink alcohol. (O’Keefe moves in closely, and lowers his voice to a whisper) I like you kid, so I’ll let you in on a little secret. My cousin Thad runs a little speak easy in a field near North Liberty. Lots of hot jazz and women if ankle-length bloomers. The password is Hooverville. Make sure no constables are following you.
CP15: Wait, what?
KO: No badges kid. It is a sweet little watering hole.
CP15: Wait, let me guess. You think we are under prohibition.
KO: (Whispering angrily) Shut up kid, don’t let the word out! (Looking around nervously)
KO: (Now very loudly) Of course son! Prohibition keeps noses clean and minds clear. Those temperance ladies are saints I tell ya!
CP15: Ok I think I’m done here.
KO: Stay dry kid.
CP15: (Walks away, but suddenly turns back and gets right in O’Keefe’s face) Listen, before I go, I got to let you know some things. No one uses type writers you dumbass! They are useless pieces of crap, and no one will ever buy one again…in the history of the world. Oh, and football teams actually use wide receivers. The forward pass is a useful strategy you dick! Learn the game douche!
(O’Keefe rolls his eyes and laughs)
CP15: Oh, and guess what! There is no prohibition! Drinking has been legal for 70 years! That is your entire life and then some! Are you really that stupid, or are you spectacularly self-unaware? Although part of me thinks you are just messing with me, I am really concerned that you have some bizarre mis-diagnosed autism! How could you not understand how the world works? How football works?
(Long pause)
KO: What’s it going to take to have you take home one of these typewriters today?
CP15: (Extremely depressed sigh) How much?