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Post by NOTTHOR on May 3, 2008 14:07:43 GMT -6
A guy (hereinafter the "Mark") sent an attempted prank email from my computer last Friday to our department that wasn't really funny.
I pulled a few amatuer pranks against him in retaliation, one of which almost brought him to tears that we shut down when he was getting ready to call his wife and tell her that they couldn't move today (they just bought a new place) because he had to go to Houston for work all weekend.
But the crown jewel is that the Mark is a total ass kisser and I wanted to exploit that in some way. So me and spartacusmaximus (the Mark tried to blame the shitty email on sparty) crafted this idea to make a fake new job at our firm called Managing Associate. We put together a bullet point list of how awesome the job would be and indicated that it required a light work week and would pay full salary and maximum bonus. Per barber's idea, we also drafted a fake questionnaire that we passed off as being prepared by some management consultants. We had a partner call the Mark and read through our bullet points, then send him the questionnaire and bullet point list, with instructions to complete the questionnaire ASAP (no more than 2 hours) and return it.
The Mark totally fell for it. One of the questions was to draft your own personal mission statement. There were some fucking hysterical ass kissing brown nosing answers on the questionnaire. I took it to happy hour and showed everybody, but the Mark still doesn't know it was a joke.
As we stand now, he is in the dark, and I don't know how to ultimately finish the prank. I am thinking about distributing an email announcing that he has been nominated the Managing Associate on Monday morning. If I do that, I will use my favorite three quotes from his questionnaire as "words of wisdom" from the Mark. I will also note that he will be giving an acceptance speech at the department meeting on Tuesday. If that doesn't tip him off that it is a prank, I will actually let him go up to the podium before telling him it was all an elaborate hoax.
I am also going to have our copy center make a banner with my favorite quote from his mission statement that I will hang in my office as an everlasting memento of why it is a bad idea to send out emails from my computer if I leave it unlocked. It will say "If we allow others to define our notions of success or achievement, then we our [sic] setting ourselves up for failure and disappointment."
If anyone can think of a twist to add to this between now and Monday morning, please post it.
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Post by socal on May 3, 2008 14:37:17 GMT -6
Why go further? It seems you "got" him back already (mind you, for your own stupidity). Is public humiliation for your own deficiencies really a good plan of action?
Let's put it this way... If I were him & some prick finalized something the way you are planning on... That prick had better make damned sure they learned to lock their PC religiously & had a camera mounted in the back of their skull.
But then again... the joke might end up being on you. Depending on the heinous nature of his original action, the WTF-is-BTR-thinking faces on your non-spartacusmaximus co-workers would be priceless.
But to help you on your "Prank" along...
Lease roughly 3000 ft of space nearby, inform him that his first duty in his new position is to hire staff for this office... but DON'T let him proceed this far... Instead, you make strip him naked- slice his achilles tendon- and force him into the empty space... where awating him, is every person he's ever met... along with his family members... Then simply blow the place up!!! .... That would be friggin hilarious!!!
...and truly balanced retribution for his wronging you so.
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Post by GhostMod 5000 on May 3, 2008 15:22:56 GMT -6
In my line of work, we call this "bullying". It really isn't a prank anymorew when you attempt to publicly humilate him in front of all of his co-workers.
If I were you, I would send him a dummy email from another company that is attempting to "poach" him with a better job, and see what he does about that.
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Post by mattahawk on May 3, 2008 15:55:04 GMT -6
Wow, you guys play hardball. On that note, I would inform him that he got the job and have a little "going away" party bince the job local is on another floor. When he gets there throw him this big party and when it's all over say, now go get me a cup of coffee you schmuck! You've just been pranked.  It's all I've got. |
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Post by NOTTHOR on May 3, 2008 15:59:42 GMT -6
The name of the prank game in our department is public humiliation -- whether it was the Barbie Doll collection that I was allegedly trying to sell or everyone seeing the Mark get punked, that is the name of the game. Blackberries left laying around (most people never change their password from the default) or a computer left unlocked, a practical joke that pokes fun at the mark is appreciated to lighten up the atmosphere.
However, the Mark hijacked Entourage's computer one day and sent around an email asking about Rogaine to a select list of people, including a young woman who just finished cancer treatment and lost most of hair. The Mark then ran to his office and immediately sent out a reply all with a cc to me saying "I noticed BTR's name isn't on this, it's clear BTR sent this." Then, the young woman with cancer, whose office is right next to mine, came into my office and told me that that email was uncalled for and not funny. I told her I didn't do it, but she didn't believe me. I called a meeting of the juveniles and told them that notwithstanding the fact that many of the dudes are losing their hair, no more hair loss emails because they really hurt this young woman. A week later, the Mark sends another email from Entourage's computer about Propecia and tries pinning the blame on me again. This time, as soon as the email hit, I went next door so the girl could see it wasn't me who did it.
I gave another warning - no hair jokes anymore to all the juveniles. Then, last Friday, the Mark sent an email from my machine about Ron Howard and Howdy Doody - clearly targeted to the fact that I am a daywalker. I told him to watch his back, if you play with firecrotches, you're likely to get burned. He laughed it off. I told him that he had committed an act of war and that he wouldn't like where it ended. He laughed and said "bring it."
So I brought it.
And oh yeah, he gave me and autolykos's names to an annuity salesman. The dude had a lot of pent up karma waiting to get him. I told most of the partners about the pranks, they think it's good because it helps morale and it will hopefully make the kid stop being so fucking gullible and believing everything he is told, which will make him a better attorney. I'm fully expecting retribution, but having a framed copy of the questionnaire up on my bulletin board will sting any pain of the retribution.
I won't send the fake email from another company. That happened to a guy I went to LS with and he got no offered - granted he was a total douchemeister, but that's too far, even for me.
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Post by GhostMod 5000 on May 3, 2008 16:20:05 GMT -6
I retract my previous statement. Nothing you can think of is too bad for this dickwad.
Maybe you could tell him that he is needed at a meeting re: the promotion somewhere in your office, such as an empty board room, or a full board room that he is encouraged to barge into and interupt a real meeting. Or maybe send him to the office with a fake meeting with a senior partner.
Or better yet, make up a fake customer that he will have to interact with in his new job, and try and get either embarassing info or make him do embarassing things to please the client.
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Post by bucketochicken on May 3, 2008 18:32:43 GMT -6
Confront him publically. Make sure there are plenty of people around. Say something to him like, "You've taken it too far this time, Mark. You're fucking dead. I'm gonna' get you back, and it's going to be epic. In fact, I'll bet you X that I get you before next Friday."
If he takes the bet, great. Shake his hand and walk out.
If he doesn't take the bet, point at him, look him in the eye and say, "Fine. Bet or no bet, I'll get even." Turn and walk out.
Now the rest is very simple. As I'm sure you've gleaned if you watched MASH growing up, you're really not going to do anything at all. Except make him extremely paranoid, of course. Deliciously paranoid.
Get everyone else (the trustworthy-ish ones, anyway) in the office in on it - even those senior partners you mentioned, if they're down.
Then at the end of the week, while everyone's watching, when he comes to "collect" you can turn the tables on him, and everyone will laugh, and everyone will have been in on it, thus making Mark to look like even more of a jackass. More humiliating too, as it'll be the entire office dumping on him.
And best of all, the whole thing is applicable to your mission statementifesto:
"If we allow others to define our notions of success or achievement, then we (are) setting ourselves up for failure and disappointment."
It's also fairly harmless, over all.
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Post by NOTTHOR on May 3, 2008 20:03:32 GMT -6
That's brilliant bucket. Fact of the matter is I'm already "up" on him, but I told him that anything he does to me will be met with treble damages and warned him that he has another one coming. Regardless, I bet he'll take the bet. I'll make the bet with him on Monday morning and I'll compress it to "by the end of the day, I guarantee I get you one more time."
Everybody at the office is already in on it. They love it, but a one dollar bet would be the icing on the freaking cake.
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Post by bucketochicken on May 4, 2008 11:20:20 GMT -6
Totally. It's from my favorite MASH episode. The best prank of all is the one that's never actually played. By the end of the week he'll be a fucking basketcase. He'll basically be his own perpetrator.
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Post by NOTTHOR on May 5, 2008 9:18:41 GMT -6
The Mark moved into his condo on Saturday. A pipe burst or something in the condo above his. His ceiling is ruined and they have to put a new one in. I think I'll hold off on breaking the news to him for a few days.
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Post by Gumbyhawk on May 5, 2008 11:34:29 GMT -6
Wow! A douchenozzle ass-kisser in a law firm. Say it ain't so!  Ralph, I think a "surprise" congratulatory party when he is in on the crapper is appropriate. Bring cameras. That's all I got. |
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Post by bucketochicken on May 5, 2008 11:43:07 GMT -6
Ralph, I think a "surprise" congratulatory party when he is in on the crapper is appropriate. Bring cameras. And an attorney to represent you in the subsequent harassment case... |
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Post by The Flying Spaghetti Monster on May 7, 2008 8:14:52 GMT -6
Update?
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Post by NOTTHOR on May 7, 2008 8:22:19 GMT -6
So the Mark missed work on Monday. Word had spread too far and someone ratted me out to him. He called me yesterday morning to say "It's over, I'm done, I'm never pulling a prank on you again. One was good, two was funny, but three was overkill." He sounded pretty pissed off, but the white flag of surrender was awesome. He realized he had been outsmarted and outclassed. Then, at dinner, he was talking shit about something that he has in the works. I reminded him that if anything happens to me, his comments will be placed on banners and posted on the intranet for the world to see. We can go nuclear if he wants to. I really was hoping to finish it off sweetly, but after his brand new house got flooded, I'm glad he got let off lightly.
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Post by The Flying Spaghetti Monster on May 7, 2008 8:50:42 GMT -6
BTR, you're not turning into an old softie, are you?
Regardless, well done, my friend. Well done.
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