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Post by Gumbyhawk on Jan 14, 2011 21:06:15 GMT -6
Okay, so not quite as sexy as "Taxi Cab Confessions", but I needed a title for this thread.
The route starts in the morning. I spent last weekend driving around and getting the low-down of the route and have discovered these things thus far:
1) a lot of people don't have very visable house numbers on their house
2) I didn't see any large dogs, pit bulls, chimpanzees, or anything else in anyone's front yard that I might need to be concerned about. Of course, it IS winter.
3) The proles of Marshalltown are steadily creeping more south towards my neck of the woods. The prole properties are bordered by old farts. I think what happens is that as the old farts die off, the proles buy up the properties in order to get to the haven that is the South Side.
I will add more to this thread as I go. Stay tuned.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 14, 2011 21:35:49 GMT -6
If you believe in god, then godspeed, Gumby. If you don't believe in god, then remember this: two in the ten ring, one in the snotbox.
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Post by TBELL on Jan 14, 2011 23:07:26 GMT -6
I remember once on my paper route in Ottumwa, I was looking for an address and the house numbers went: 108, 110, 112, 116....the address I needed was 114. I looked for 25 fucking minutes before I realized 114 was on the WRONG side of 116. So it was 112, 116, 114. Fuck you, City of Ottumwa, FUCK YOU!!
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Post by Solar Stud on Jan 15, 2011 5:45:57 GMT -6
I actually had a paper route for like 4 months my last semester in college for the IC Press Citizen. Met some great talent. What was an eye opener was there were some old people who wanted their paper placed "just right"....i.e. NOT on the porch or IN the mailbox, but balanced on the newspaper holder underneath the mailbox. If it wasn't right, they called me at home complaning. If I was 2 minutes late, they'd be calling my boss.
On Wednesdays they made us hoof around these things called the "Tempo"...I got paid a nickel for each one. Well, they were heavy and a pain in the ass, so I got "smart" and started to throw them in a dumpster before the route started...which was all fine and good until I left a couple stacks in my car and some lady connected with the ICPC saw them and called my boss.
I did this prole job until June 1982 when I finally got my phamacy license and left all prole-ness behind.
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Post by NOTTHOR on Jan 15, 2011 9:31:16 GMT -6
Good stories bros. On my route, I had two or three fucksticks who insisted on (a) plastic bag every day and (b) placement of paper inside door. And another dozen fucksticks who insisted they would press trespassing charges if they saw me walking on their fucking lawns. Fuck you fuckers.
Seff - my cousin used to deliver the Humboldt free newspaper thing on Tuesdays or whatever. Well one day he realized that it sucked ass so he started throwing them back in this abandoned shed behind his house and when he filled that fucker up to the top, he started throwing them in the attic above their garage. My uncle found like two years worth of papers and just about fucking killed the kid. Good enough kid, but he also took 10 years to graduate undergrad (enrolled every semester), has spent more time on unemployment than working and crashed a car into a barn causing the barn to burn down when he severed a line on an anhydrous ammonia tank (whilst drunk). Shoddy paper carriers go on to underachieve, stellar paper carriers, like myself, go on to overachieve. Paper routes build character and gumby's on the right track.
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Post by Gumbyhawk on Jan 15, 2011 15:30:52 GMT -6
Okay, first day was a bitch. Started by spending approx 45 minutes putting each paper into a plastic bag (since my boss stated with winter, most people will want that). Started doing the route (started late due to this shit) and then got onto a street where most people had fucking mailboxes. Other people had mail slots in their garage doors or whatever where the paper goes. Others had old milk box things on the porch where the paper went. All of these things are great, until I realized that I JUST FUCKING WASTED MY MORNING PUTTING THESE THINGS IN PLASTIC BAGS!!
Also, got the inevitable calls from the paper whilst doing my route. One old fuckstick HAD to have been on the phone bitching instead of looking for his fucking paper that I had placed EXACTLY WHERE HE WANTED IT. Whatever. Not like I care much about customer service. That is why I signed up for this job.... no need to be concerned about service. Not REALLY anyway. It's not like I'm gonna get fired because Cecil's paper was not on the paper hangers just like he wanted it.
I also have a few people who want their paper "just so" as previously posted. I'm sure I fucked a few of these up, but when you are trying to do 6 or 7 houses at a time at o-dark thirty in the morning when it is 1 below and you can barely even make out the house number, fuck it.
Other observations:
1) Christmas was last month. I saw SEVERAL people with Xmas lights on. Several had Xmas trees still on in their living rooms.
2) Does anyone park in their fucking garage anymore? Jesus H. Christ, at some places I had to fucking weave around 4 or 5 vehicles in the drive.
3) Our last snowstorm was fucking 6 days ago. Clean off your walks. Lord knows if I fall and get hurt, I couldn't get jack shit out of most of these people by suing.
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Post by Solar Stud on Jan 16, 2011 7:17:08 GMT -6
Iowa City mandates you have to clean off your public-sidewalks within 24 hours after one inch or more. I can see why.
At least you don't have to run around and "collect" anymore....anybody remember that....people didn't want to pay at the office and instead wanted to pay you directly. You had to deal with those dumb tags you tore off, and, people would lie about already paying and/or write you a bogus check.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 16, 2011 11:58:48 GMT -6
Yep, I remember collecting. It was horrible. I delivered two papers ("The Suburban Life" and "The Downers Grove Reporter") and I had to collect for both. Sending a young kid out to go door-to-door to ask crabby shithead old adults for money for a newspaper. Yeah, that's gonna work. "Ah, come back next week kid, I'll have the money then...*chuckle chuckle*..."<door slams shut in kid's face>. And their fucking houses usually smelled like fried potatoes or cheap greasy cuts of meat, when (if) they opened the door. Repeat ad nauseum. Don't even think about a tip--from anyone, ever--for getting that goddam paper on their porch every time. And these old pricks wondered why me an my buddies went medieval on their houses every Halloween. Cheap mean fuckers.
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Post by Gumbyhawk on Jan 16, 2011 20:28:38 GMT -6
Holy mother of fuck!!! I got a tip!!! I mean a REAL tip!! Already!! My second goddamned day!
I was plopping the paper onto the porch step of this one older lady's house and saw an envelope taped to a box on the porch that said "carrier- Marshalltown's T-R". I'm like "what the hell?" Take it and look in and it is $10. Shit. That just made my day. And she does not even require anything special with her paper either. That is just way cool. I never expected that at all.
Oh. And this one bitch on my route was basically once again waiting at her door at 7:15am as I walked up to her house. I was fifteen minutes late and the Sunday papers are a fucking bitch bince you gotta insert all of the fucking coupons and shit. That bitch can just fucking lick my bag. Seriously. The old twat needs to find something else to do with her life. It's a good thing I don't really care nor does this "job" depend on excellent customer service survey scores like my real job. Pretty much the only thing this job has going for it.
I am not sure how much longer I will stay with this route. For one, my "boss" fucking lied when he said the route will take 2.5 to three hours each day. BULLshit!! More like 4 after putting the ads in the paper. At least I was able to save some time today by only putting about 10 papers into the little plastic bags. Fuck that. Major time-waster. Especially when over half the people have mailboxes anyway.
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Post by Gumbyhawk on Jan 16, 2011 20:29:25 GMT -6
Iowa City mandates you have to clean off your public-sidewalks within 24 hours after one inch or more. I can see why. So does Mtown. Well, or so the story goes.....
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Post by Gumbyhawk on Jan 22, 2011 12:56:21 GMT -6
Well folks, I already quit this fucking paper route thing. I was thinking of waiting until AFTER this weekend, but the circulation director has gotten into the haibt of emailing me at my REAL job about stupid shit during the week (i.e.: 1602 South 6th St wants his paper here, 504 Fuckstick Ave wants their paper here). The fucker only has my email bince I emailed him to ask him about route availability a few months ago. Yeah, my work email is the best way to get in touch with me over the week but it's borderline abuse of my email considering the shit he emails me is shit that can a) be left in a voicemail on my phone or b) just put it on my route list that I pick up each weekend. What a fucking tool. So anywho, he emails me yesterday about how I need to stop in after my REAL job and sign a new contract bince they had me sign one of the old ones that is no longer valid per corporate. I replied that will not be necessary as I am turning in my notice effective immediately, but will still honor my 30 day notice per the contract I signed. I probably could have just told them to fuck off altogether but they would have kept my money from last weekend. Still, I was tempted. So, I will only have four more weeks of interesting shit to post about on this thread and then you jackasses can go read other threads about MoHawk's Hawaiian vacation or (god forbid) Iowa basketball.
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Post by Gumbyhawk on Jan 22, 2011 13:03:14 GMT -6
Still saw a few people with Xmas lights on. What. The. Fuck? It's damned near fucking February. Having them UP is no sin till the first weekend in April, but come ON people.
I am considering ripping a horrid fart into one of the plastic bags and sealing it up with the paper for the one bitch on my route. That would at least give me some semblance of enjoyment with this route.
Also, one of the requests on my list for the weekend was for this one house where the fucking guy is in his kitchen right off the garage every day I have done his route. Yet, Mr. Jerkoff insists I put his paper in this little slot by his garage door that is damned near too small to even fit the fucking paper in. Again.... the guy is RIGHT FUCKING THERE AT THE WINDOW WHEN I PULL INTO HIS DRIVE! He can't SEE where I put his paper? Unbelievable.
It's weird how some people are so obsessed about their newspapers. I got some neurotic mother-fuckers on my route.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 22, 2011 16:30:09 GMT -6
Man, I'm digging the paper route play-by-play, and now you're going to quit?!? Well shit in my hat and call me Mary then.
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Post by Gumbyhawk on Jan 22, 2011 16:35:55 GMT -6
Man, I'm digging the paper route play-by-play, and now you're going to quit?!? Well shit in my hat and call me Mary then. Sorry, Mary. Yeah, I was gonna quit anyway because my REAL job is still offering overtime and I can make more with a few hours there doing shit to get caught up, in a warm office during somewhat normal hours. Plus, there was a chance that the paper would make me deliver on President's Day. I have to work that day and would not be able to get left in time for my REAL job because the fuckers at the paper totally under-sold the time commitment of the paper route. The fact that the circulation director has the idea that I am at his beck and call and he can just spam my fucking work email merely sped up the quitting process. It's simple math, brah. And even the simplest math says "fuck the paper route" for the approximately $5.09 per hour that I am getting. Shit, when you figure in the cost of gas to do my route, I am probably making about $3.50 an hour.
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Post by The Resistance on Jan 23, 2011 0:29:18 GMT -6
Gumby, Didn't you know all that shit going in?
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Post by Gumbyhawk on Jan 23, 2011 7:44:38 GMT -6
Gumby, Didn't you know all that shit going in? The time needed to do the route? No. As I stated, I was told 2 to 2.5 hours. The paper grossly understated the time commitment going in and then let me find out on my own AFTER I had signed the contract. Thus, the focus of most of my angst. Also, this leads to the money part that I ALSO did not completely know about since they totally jack-moved me on the time commitment thing. As for the people part.... yeah, I pretty much knew that stuff. But still, experiencing it first-hand is an entirely different thing.
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Post by hawkeyescott on Jan 24, 2011 12:35:29 GMT -6
If you really want a part-time job go work at a fucking gas station or department store. I don't know your hours during the week, but it shouldn't be that hard to work maybe 2 nights a week and either a Saturday or Sunday and not have to deal with that bullshit.
I worked at a Caseys about 10 years ago as a part-time job. Worked 8-5 at my regular job then went in and worked 6 to 11 at Caseys (well actually about 11:30 you get out of there bince you have some cleanup shit to do after the store closes) but it was the easiest $7/hour I have ever made, you can get a lot of shit done by 9 pm and after that you might have about 10 to 20 customers in the next 2 hours (even at a busier store) not a lot of people are out that late during the week getting gas, pop or beer, even in the summer, so it was a lot of reading magazines and stuff just to pass the fucking time until 11.
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Post by The Resistance on Jan 24, 2011 14:25:37 GMT -6
I worked at a Caseys about 10 years ago as a part-time job. Worked 8-5 at my regular job then went in and worked 6 to 11 at Caseys (well actually about 11:30 you get out of there bince you have some cleanup shit to do after the store closes) but it was the easiest $7/hour I have ever made, you can get a lot of shit done by 9 pm and after that you might have about 10 to 20 customers in the next 2 hours (even at a busier store) not a lot of people are out that late during the week getting gas, pop or beer, even in the summer, so it was a lot of reading magazines and stuff just to pass the fucking time until 11. and if any body gives you any shit, hit em in the fucking head with a hammer. www.kcci.com/news/26587244/detail.html
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Post by Gumbyhawk on Jan 24, 2011 19:32:38 GMT -6
If you really want a part-time job go work at a fucking gas station or department store. I don't know your hours during the week, but it shouldn't be that hard to work maybe 2 nights a week and either a Saturday or Sunday and not have to deal with that bullshit. I worked at a Caseys about 10 years ago as a part-time job. Worked 8-5 at my regular job then went in and worked 6 to 11 at Caseys (well actually about 11:30 you get out of there bince you have some cleanup shit to do after the store closes) but it was the easiest $7/hour I have ever made, you can get a lot of shit done by 9 pm and after that you might have about 10 to 20 customers in the next 2 hours (even at a busier store) not a lot of people are out that late during the week getting gas, pop or beer, even in the summer, so it was a lot of reading magazines and stuff just to pass the fucking time until 11. I might think of that if I get hard up for money again. It would probably beat the video store gig I had a while back (wow, that sucked!) In truth though, as long as my main job keeps allowing overtime, there is really no reason to get a part-time job. And I don't see overtime ending anytime soon.
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Post by NotMyKid on Jan 25, 2011 8:57:23 GMT -6
Also, one of the requests on my list for the weekend was for this one house where the fucking guy is in his kitchen right off the garage every day I have done his route. Yet, Mr. Jerkoff insists I put his paper in this little slot by his garage door that is damned near too small to even fit the fucking paper in. Again.... the guy is RIGHT FUCKING THERE AT THE WINDOW WHEN I PULL INTO HIS DRIVE! He can't SEE where I put his paper? Unbelievable. It's weird how some people are so obsessed about their newspapers. I got some neurotic mother-fuckers on my route. Back when I was in Junior High I had a paper route and there was this one old hag that would always call if it was one second after 5PM (ICPC used to be an afternoon paper) or not in the right spot and whenever she was out she wouldn't even say hello or thank you when I delivered it. My last day was a Saturday (biggest paper of the week) I took it opened her screen door and flipped it up in the air so all the ads and sections came out all over. Not that big of a deal but boy did it feel good.
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Post by thunderhawk on Jan 27, 2011 15:41:57 GMT -6
Still saw a few people with Xmas lights on. What. The. Fuck? It's damned near fucking February. Having them UP is no sin till the first weekend in April, but come ON people. I am considering ripping a horrid fart into one of the plastic bags and sealing it up with the paper for the one bitch on my route. That would at least give me some semblance of enjoyment with this route. Also, one of the requests on my list for the weekend was for this one house where the fucking guy is in his kitchen right off the garage every day I have done his route. Yet, Mr. Jerkoff insists I put his paper in this little slot by his garage door that is damned near too small to even fit the fucking paper in. Again.... the guy is RIGHT FUCKING THERE AT THE WINDOW WHEN I PULL INTO HIS DRIVE! He can't SEE where I put his paper? Unbelievable. It's weird how some people are so obsessed about their newspapers. I got some neurotic mother-fuckers on my route.
People with meaningless, purpose-deficient lives often obsess over a singular minor aspect of their lives where they are able to exhibit some modicum of authority and control over another human being. It's actually a quite common and predictable psychological phenomenon. To make matters worse, many of these people survive to some extent on public assistance so we are actually paying for their continued worthless fucking existences.
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Post by Gumbyhawk on Jan 27, 2011 17:22:16 GMT -6
Still saw a few people with Xmas lights on. What. The. Fuck? It's damned near fucking February. Having them UP is no sin till the first weekend in April, but come ON people. I am considering ripping a horrid fart into one of the plastic bags and sealing it up with the paper for the one bitch on my route. That would at least give me some semblance of enjoyment with this route. Also, one of the requests on my list for the weekend was for this one house where the fucking guy is in his kitchen right off the garage every day I have done his route. Yet, Mr. Jerkoff insists I put his paper in this little slot by his garage door that is damned near too small to even fit the fucking paper in. Again.... the guy is RIGHT FUCKING THERE AT THE WINDOW WHEN I PULL INTO HIS DRIVE! He can't SEE where I put his paper? Unbelievable. It's weird how some people are so obsessed about their newspapers. I got some neurotic mother-fuckers on my route.
People with meaningless, purpose-deficient lives often obsess over a singular minor aspect of their lives where they are able to exhibit some modicum of authority and control over another human being. It's actually a quite common and predictable psychological phenomenon. To make matters worse, many of these people survive to some extent on public assistance so we are actually paying for their continued worthless fucking existences. Cosign. However, as much as the route sucks (and believe me.... it does), I will miss the whole "not giving a shit about the fucktard customer" bit. In my main job, I have to care about the customer because my job depends on it. I can't just say "fuck you, Cecil" like I can with the route. I will miss that aspect. Um... let me think..... yeah, that's pretty much the ONLY thing I will miss.
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Post by Gumbyhawk on Feb 1, 2011 20:10:57 GMT -6
Some of you dudes will think this is funny. Some of you will find this fucked up. I don't really care, so here goes:
On Saturday, I stopped to deliver the paper to the one old twat's house. She always insists it goes into this little paper box thing at her side door. Not really a big deal, actually. However, the battleaxe did not clean off the ice from her drive and I fucking slipped walking up her drive. I caught myself, but figured "fuck it" and tossed her paper at her door. Unfortunately, being a Saturday paper, it was kinda thin so not much scattered about.
So on Sunday, I was thinking "how can I make this job more enjoyable"? I came to the conclusion that getting that bitch back somehow would be nice. Then, it hit me. I was having HORRID farts that morning. I decided to "load" her paper but putting her paper into a plastic bag (which I never do) and letting one rip into the bag, sealing it tight to save the pleasant aroma. The thing that sucks is that I was not around to see the expression on her face when the bag farted in her face that morning. I also did not get a complaint call, text, or email from her all weekend. Odd. But oh well. The score is now even I guess....
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Post by Deleted on Feb 1, 2011 20:48:27 GMT -6
I thought you quit, gumby?
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Post by Gumbyhawk on Feb 1, 2011 22:00:25 GMT -6
I thought you quit, gumby? I have three weekends left per my contract. I had to give them a 30 day notice and so it works out that my last day is Feb 20.
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